1 00:02:03,323 --> 00:02:05,792 [ Approaching Footsteps ] [ Electrical Feedback ] 2 00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:08,294 Uh, ladies and gentlemen, won't you please, uh, 3 00:02:08,294 --> 00:02:11,297 give a warm welcome to the comedy stylings... 4 00:02:11,297 --> 00:02:14,300 of, uh, Mr. Marty Malt. 5 00:02:34,070 --> 00:02:37,574 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. [ Feedback ] 6 00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:39,576 My name is Marty Malt. 7 00:02:42,078 --> 00:02:44,080 I'm reminded tonight... 8 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:46,583 of something that happened to me the other day. 9 00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:50,086 I went to the post office to get some stamps, 10 00:02:50,086 --> 00:02:54,090 and I waited my usual three hours in line. 11 00:02:54,090 --> 00:02:58,595 And just as I was getting to the window, 12 00:02:58,595 --> 00:03:02,599 an announcement was made that if anyone just needed stamps, 13 00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:04,601 to move into a different line. 14 00:03:05,101 --> 00:03:08,104 So I moved into the different line, 15 00:03:08,104 --> 00:03:11,107 and this giant boot came down from the ceiling... 16 00:03:11,608 --> 00:03:14,110 and stamped me on the head. 17 00:03:14,110 --> 00:03:16,613 Ooh! 18 00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:19,115 Do I have a headache. 19 00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:32,579 I decided to buy a pet, 20 00:03:32,579 --> 00:03:37,217 so I went to the pet store and asked the guy there... 21 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,719 what would make the best pet. 22 00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:41,387 And he suggested a turtle. 23 00:03:41,387 --> 00:03:46,392 So I bought a turtle and got a nice little bowl... for him to live in... 24 00:03:46,392 --> 00:03:50,346 with some plants and a bridge for him to walk on. 25 00:03:50,813 --> 00:03:53,099 But he would never come out of his shell. 26 00:03:53,399 --> 00:03:56,686 I waited and waited, but he never came out. [ Sniffling ] 27 00:03:56,686 --> 00:04:00,323 And then I realized that the pet shop owner... 28 00:04:00,773 --> 00:04:03,693 had taken me for a ride. 29 00:04:03,693 --> 00:04:05,695 It wasn't a turtle at all. 30 00:04:05,695 --> 00:04:08,197 It was a rock. 31 00:04:08,197 --> 00:04:10,700 So now I use it as my doorstop. 32 00:04:14,837 --> 00:04:18,875 Even you didn't laugh. I was laughin' on the inside! 33 00:04:18,875 --> 00:04:21,844 I was roarin'! Oh, God! 34 00:04:21,844 --> 00:04:25,848 See, I didn't want to laugh out loud 'cause I was eyein' this chick across the room, 35 00:04:25,848 --> 00:04:28,351 and I didn't want to come off uncool. 36 00:04:28,351 --> 00:04:31,854 But, no, I was laughin' inside. Oh, yeah! 37 00:04:31,854 --> 00:04:33,856 [ Laughing ] 38 00:04:34,357 --> 00:04:36,359 You were funny. Trust me. 39 00:04:36,359 --> 00:04:40,363 I know comedy, and you were funny, hilarious. 40 00:04:40,363 --> 00:04:43,866 I don't usually use that word unless I really mean it. 41 00:04:45,368 --> 00:04:49,872 But, yeah, I'm gonna use it again. 42 00:04:49,872 --> 00:04:52,875 Hilarious! You were hilarious, man! 43 00:04:53,376 --> 00:04:55,878 You think so? Hilarious? 44 00:04:55,878 --> 00:04:58,881 Oh, yeah, definitely. You were sensational. 45 00:04:59,382 --> 00:05:02,885 Well, 'cause Syd said that I can do it regular... 46 00:05:02,885 --> 00:05:05,888 on Tuesday and Thursday nights for 10 bucks. 47 00:05:05,888 --> 00:05:09,892 You see? They loved ya. They know talent. 48 00:05:09,892 --> 00:05:12,395 Most of them are probably laughin' on the inside, too, 49 00:05:12,895 --> 00:05:15,398 unless they were too stupid to get the jokes! 50 00:05:15,398 --> 00:05:18,401 So 10 bucks a week, huh? Ten bucks a night. 51 00:05:18,901 --> 00:05:20,403 Twenty bucks a week. 52 00:05:20,903 --> 00:05:24,407 Twenty bucks a week just for standing up and telling dumb jokes? 53 00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:26,909 Hey, that's great, man! 54 00:05:26,909 --> 00:05:29,412 You're gonna do it, right? 55 00:05:29,412 --> 00:05:31,414 I guess so. You guess so? 56 00:05:31,914 --> 00:05:34,417 Go grab it, baby! 57 00:05:34,417 --> 00:05:38,421 You have a talent. It's your calling. 58 00:05:38,921 --> 00:05:43,426 And maybe once in a while, you'll let me play a little musical accompaniment. 59 00:05:46,429 --> 00:05:49,349 Maybe. Hey, that's great! 60 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:56,022 You are gonna be famous. 61 00:05:56,522 --> 00:05:59,809 You are gonna be so big! 62 00:05:59,809 --> 00:06:01,728 [ Laughing ] 63 00:06:04,230 --> 00:06:06,232 Big! Let's see you go big! 64 00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:10,236 [ Laughing, Coughing ] 65 00:06:13,239 --> 00:06:15,742 ♪♪ [ Circus ] 66 00:06:17,243 --> 00:06:20,246 [ Guffawing ] 67 00:06:34,260 --> 00:06:36,479 [ Door Opening ] 68 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:40,983 ♪♪ [ Fanfare ] 69 00:06:43,736 --> 00:06:46,239 - How'd it go? - He was great! 70 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:50,243 Great, huh? Fantastic. 71 00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:53,746 He was so funny, I thought I was gonna have a heart attack. 72 00:06:53,746 --> 00:06:56,249 He had the joint eating out of his hand. 73 00:06:56,749 --> 00:06:59,702 I almost split a gut! What did you say? 74 00:06:59,702 --> 00:07:02,705 Come on. Give me a sample. 75 00:07:02,705 --> 00:07:04,707 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. Come on. 76 00:07:05,208 --> 00:07:09,595 Tell 'em the one... about the movie star and the podiatrist. 77 00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:12,849 Oh, this one really bowled them over! 78 00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:17,353 Okay. Okay. 79 00:07:18,354 --> 00:07:20,356 Okay. 80 00:07:23,359 --> 00:07:26,312 This movie star goes to see this podiatrist, right? 81 00:07:26,312 --> 00:07:28,314 Right! 82 00:07:29,816 --> 00:07:31,818 Okay. 83 00:07:31,818 --> 00:07:34,821 He limps into the office, 84 00:07:34,821 --> 00:07:38,074 and the podiatrist says, "Oh, my God!" 85 00:07:38,074 --> 00:07:40,743 - What's a podiatrist? - Who the hell knows? 86 00:07:43,045 --> 00:07:45,047 Um-- 87 00:07:46,549 --> 00:07:50,553 Well, he-- he limps into the podiatrist office. 88 00:07:51,053 --> 00:07:53,055 Hang on, Marty. 89 00:07:53,055 --> 00:07:55,725 Hey, Rosarita. What's the special? 90 00:07:55,725 --> 00:07:58,895 - Um, ham and beans au gratin with peas. - Is that the man-made ham? 91 00:07:58,895 --> 00:08:00,897 [ Rosarita ] Nothing but the best. [ Slurps ] 92 00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:06,402 [ Rosarita ] So, Marty, when's the next show? Thursday. 93 00:08:06,402 --> 00:08:11,357 You are lookin' at the next big deal in professional comedy! 94 00:08:11,858 --> 00:08:15,862 Well, I-I always told him that if he gave it a try, they'd love him. 95 00:08:20,783 --> 00:08:24,170 [ Squeaking ] 96 00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:35,932 I've been working on some new material. 97 00:08:35,932 --> 00:08:39,268 I think it's gonna be some pretty funny stuff. 98 00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:45,441 People relate to jokes about things they know, you know? 99 00:08:48,444 --> 00:08:51,814 A guy goes into a barbershop, he asks for a haircut. 100 00:08:51,814 --> 00:08:53,816 Barber says, "Sure. Have a seat." 101 00:08:53,816 --> 00:08:56,736 The guy sits down. He takes off his toupee. 102 00:08:56,736 --> 00:09:00,206 The barber says, "Wait a second. You wanted a haircut. 103 00:09:00,706 --> 00:09:03,209 You're completely bald." 104 00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:06,629 And the man goes, "Why, you're right. 105 00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:09,582 In that case, cut my ears off." 106 00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:13,169 [ Gunfire ] 107 00:09:14,470 --> 00:09:17,557 [ Tires Screeching ] 108 00:09:18,975 --> 00:09:21,761 Marty? Do you have any milk? 109 00:09:39,779 --> 00:09:41,747 [ Laughing ] 110 00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:46,752 Whoa! Hey, Marty! [ Laughing ] 111 00:09:47,753 --> 00:09:49,255 Oh, God. 112 00:10:11,777 --> 00:10:14,780 - You got a bite, man. - A what? 113 00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:17,783 Uh, on your back. A bug bite or something. 114 00:10:17,783 --> 00:10:19,785 Oh, well. 115 00:10:28,794 --> 00:10:30,796 Okay! Let's go! 116 00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:39,805 [ Glass Shatters ] 117 00:11:06,699 --> 00:11:08,701 Land ho! 118 00:11:08,701 --> 00:11:12,204 ♪♪ Here I go ♪♪ 119 00:11:12,204 --> 00:11:15,708 ♪♪ [ Vocalizing ] Whoa! 120 00:11:15,708 --> 00:11:18,210 ♪♪ A-ho ♪♪ Whoo! 121 00:11:18,711 --> 00:11:20,212 [ Laughing ] 122 00:11:23,716 --> 00:11:27,219 ♪♪ [ Vocalizing ] 123 00:11:32,725 --> 00:11:35,227 [ Grunts ] 124 00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:38,531 [ Bottle Clinks ] 125 00:12:00,052 --> 00:12:02,054 [ Flies Buzzing ] 126 00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,568 [ Buzzing Continues ] 127 00:12:29,165 --> 00:12:31,167 [ Buzzard Squawking ] 128 00:13:10,156 --> 00:13:12,658 Hey, Gus! 129 00:13:12,658 --> 00:13:15,661 Yeah, Marty. Can you come over here for a sec? 130 00:13:15,661 --> 00:13:17,663 Uh-- 131 00:13:21,667 --> 00:13:25,171 ♪♪ [ Discordant Tones ] 132 00:13:26,672 --> 00:13:29,675 Here, help me get this out. What is it? 133 00:13:29,675 --> 00:13:32,178 It's an authentic Oriental rug. 134 00:13:32,678 --> 00:13:34,680 Wow! How do you know it's authentic? 135 00:13:35,181 --> 00:13:38,184 Look at the craftsmanship. Yeah. 136 00:13:38,184 --> 00:13:41,187 Hey, Gus? Yeah, Marty? 137 00:13:41,187 --> 00:13:44,190 I thought you were gonna come by and listen to my act. 138 00:13:44,190 --> 00:13:47,109 I will, I promise, later. We'll only be at Nicolette's for a minute. 139 00:13:47,109 --> 00:13:51,614 Well, I have a whole bunch of new material. 140 00:13:51,614 --> 00:13:53,616 I think you're gonna like it. 141 00:13:53,616 --> 00:13:56,118 I have no doubt about that, sonny boy. 142 00:13:56,118 --> 00:13:59,622 If last night's performance is any indication of what's to come, 143 00:13:59,622 --> 00:14:01,624 I will laugh so hard, 144 00:14:01,624 --> 00:14:05,127 my stomach will burst open and spray bile all over the stage! 145 00:14:09,632 --> 00:14:11,634 Well, I hope so. 146 00:14:20,025 --> 00:14:23,529 [ Baby Shrieking ] 147 00:14:27,032 --> 00:14:29,034 [ Woman ] Who is it? 148 00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:31,954 It's Gussy pussy, 149 00:14:31,954 --> 00:14:34,206 Nicky picky. 150 00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:36,959 God, what a woman. 151 00:14:41,747 --> 00:14:45,000 Gussy. Oh, baby! 152 00:14:45,251 --> 00:14:47,303 Hi, Nicolette. 153 00:14:56,095 --> 00:14:57,980 So what'd you bring me, big boy? 154 00:14:58,230 --> 00:15:01,233 I brought you something very special, 155 00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:03,736 and it didn't cost me a dime! 156 00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:06,739 What is it? Give it to me. Close your eyes. 157 00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:09,241 Okay. They're closed. 158 00:15:09,241 --> 00:15:11,610 Can I open my eyes? Sure. 159 00:15:13,028 --> 00:15:15,030 Give me! Give me. They're mine! 160 00:15:15,531 --> 00:15:17,416 Give me! Give me! 161 00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:19,251 [ Giggling ] Give me! 162 00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,755 Oh, baby. 163 00:15:30,629 --> 00:15:32,932 Hey, man. Why don't you run along? 164 00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:35,434 We'll work on the act a little bit later. 165 00:15:35,801 --> 00:15:37,886 Marty has an act? Oh, yeah, baby. 166 00:15:38,387 --> 00:15:41,890 Marty's gonna be a big, famous... 167 00:15:42,891 --> 00:15:44,393 comedian. 168 00:15:44,893 --> 00:15:46,895 Yeah. That's-- That's great. Yeah. 169 00:15:47,396 --> 00:15:49,898 Well, but-- I-- 170 00:15:49,898 --> 00:15:52,701 [ Siren Wailing ] 171 00:16:10,085 --> 00:16:13,589 [ Laughing ] You got anything to eat? I'm starving. 172 00:16:13,589 --> 00:16:16,091 What took you so long? Huh? What time is it? 173 00:16:16,091 --> 00:16:18,093 Well, it's 3:00. 174 00:16:19,595 --> 00:16:22,598 Geez, I'd better get home. 175 00:16:22,598 --> 00:16:26,101 You know, we gotta go to work in a couple of hours. 176 00:16:26,101 --> 00:16:28,604 Just sleep here. What, in this dump? 177 00:16:28,604 --> 00:16:30,606 Never mind. 178 00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:33,409 Hey, do you mind if I eat this chicken? 179 00:16:33,909 --> 00:16:38,414 It's been there for quite a while. That's okay. I don't care. 180 00:16:57,132 --> 00:16:58,884 So, what have you been doing? 181 00:16:58,884 --> 00:17:01,720 Just polishing up that new material. 182 00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:04,723 Oh, yeah, right. I wanna hear that. 183 00:17:05,224 --> 00:17:08,777 You should've told me earlier. I'd have come by. I would've. 184 00:17:10,145 --> 00:17:12,031 Okay, let's hear it. 185 00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:15,534 This is gonna be great! I know it. 186 00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:17,536 Okay, okay. 187 00:17:17,536 --> 00:17:19,538 Let's see. 188 00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:22,041 There was this guy-- Hold on a second! 189 00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:23,909 We gotta do this thing up right. 190 00:17:23,909 --> 00:17:25,994 Ladies and gentlemen, 191 00:17:25,994 --> 00:17:29,498 Syd's nightclub is proud to welcome... 192 00:17:29,498 --> 00:17:31,500 once again... 193 00:17:31,500 --> 00:17:36,889 the comedy stylings of Mr. Marty Malt! 194 00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:38,807 Whoo-hoo-hoo! 195 00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:42,561 [ Spits, Chuckling ] 196 00:17:45,397 --> 00:17:47,900 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Marty Malt. 197 00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,903 - [ Sputtering Laugh ] - Yeah. 198 00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:54,406 Well, I was-- I was trying to grab a cab the other day. 199 00:17:54,406 --> 00:17:56,408 It was rainy and cold. [ Train Passing ] 200 00:17:56,408 --> 00:17:59,278 I forgot my raincoat and my umbrella. 201 00:17:59,445 --> 00:18:02,030 [ Laughing ] 202 00:18:02,030 --> 00:18:06,368 So I'm standing at the cabstand with three other guys and me. 203 00:18:06,869 --> 00:18:11,256 A Jew, a priest, and a black, and me. 204 00:18:11,423 --> 00:18:15,010 So this cab comes up-- One cab to the cabstand. 205 00:18:15,010 --> 00:18:17,012 And the cabdriver was Chinese. 206 00:18:22,551 --> 00:18:25,554 Okay? Well. 207 00:18:25,554 --> 00:18:28,056 We were all standing there in the pouring rain... 208 00:18:28,056 --> 00:18:32,060 when this little old lady gets in the other side, and off they go. 209 00:18:32,060 --> 00:18:34,396 Which just goes to prove... 210 00:18:34,396 --> 00:18:36,899 nobody can get a cab in this town. 211 00:18:39,902 --> 00:18:42,788 [ Hysterical Laughing Continues ] 212 00:18:44,289 --> 00:18:49,411 This little old lady jumped into the cab from the other side, 213 00:18:49,411 --> 00:18:51,296 and off they went. 214 00:18:52,798 --> 00:18:56,802 Which just goes to prove... 215 00:18:56,802 --> 00:19:01,306 nobody can get a cab in this town. 216 00:19:12,901 --> 00:19:15,904 [ Electrical Feedback ] 217 00:19:16,405 --> 00:19:20,192 So, you were laughing inside again, right? 218 00:19:20,192 --> 00:19:24,079 Well, I didn't exactly see the whole show. 219 00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:27,533 Me and the hatcheck girl were getting friendly, if you know what I mean. 220 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,169 Well, which part of-of the show did you see? 221 00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,704 That's not important. Just listen. 222 00:19:33,205 --> 00:19:35,207 I've got some great news. 223 00:19:35,207 --> 00:19:39,211 - How was the underpants joke? - Will you shut up and listen? You're gonna love this! 224 00:19:40,212 --> 00:19:42,631 What? 225 00:19:46,134 --> 00:19:48,136 - Me and Phyllis-- - Who's Phyllis? 226 00:19:48,136 --> 00:19:50,556 - The hatcheck girl. - Oh. 227 00:19:50,556 --> 00:19:53,559 Me and Phyllis went across the street for some cocktails. 228 00:19:53,559 --> 00:19:56,528 - During my act? - Will you shut up? 229 00:19:56,528 --> 00:20:00,532 We were in the lounge, and there was this awful comedian onstage, 230 00:20:00,532 --> 00:20:03,535 and this fancy Dapper Dan sitting at the bar next to us, 231 00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:06,538 squawkin' about how bad the comic was. 232 00:20:06,538 --> 00:20:09,241 So I said, "You wanna see comedy, mister? 233 00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:12,211 "Catch Marty Malt across the street at Syd's. 234 00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:15,214 He's a comic genius," I said. 235 00:20:15,714 --> 00:20:17,716 So, he hands me this card, 236 00:20:17,716 --> 00:20:20,219 and what do you think it says? 237 00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:23,222 Go ahead. Read it. 238 00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:25,724 "Jackie Chrome, Talent Agent." 239 00:20:25,724 --> 00:20:27,726 So? So? 240 00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:31,230 So, he's coming here to see your act Tuesday night! 241 00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:33,098 Man, don't you see? 242 00:20:33,599 --> 00:20:35,601 This is the start of everything. 243 00:20:35,601 --> 00:20:39,021 Do you know what a talent agent can do for you? 244 00:20:39,021 --> 00:20:43,492 He'll just make you the biggest, the richest son of a gun this country's ever seen! 245 00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:45,994 - Tuesday? - This Tuesday! 246 00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:50,749 Should I write new material? Should I stick with the old standbys? 247 00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:55,170 What if he hates me? What if he doesn't hate me? 248 00:20:57,172 --> 00:20:59,675 Maybe I should get some new clothes. 249 00:21:01,176 --> 00:21:03,178 This is the lucky suit. 250 00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:07,182 Geez, look at my clothes. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Mart. 251 00:21:07,683 --> 00:21:10,602 What? What? Hey, this lump's getting bigger, man. 252 00:21:13,105 --> 00:21:15,974 Does that hurt? Yes. 253 00:21:15,974 --> 00:21:18,727 You better see a doctor before Tuesday. 254 00:21:18,727 --> 00:21:22,230 The last thing we need is for you to get spine cancer... 255 00:21:22,230 --> 00:21:24,149 before our big break. 256 00:21:37,412 --> 00:21:40,632 - Morty Malt? - Marty. 257 00:21:40,632 --> 00:21:43,552 Oh. 258 00:21:43,552 --> 00:21:45,554 The doctor will see you now. 259 00:21:48,473 --> 00:21:50,342 Excuse me. 260 00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:10,862 Kitty. Back to work. 261 00:22:27,713 --> 00:22:30,215 Aah! Ooh. 262 00:22:31,717 --> 00:22:34,219 - So, Mr. Fault. - Malt. 263 00:22:34,219 --> 00:22:36,221 What? Malt. Yeah. Malt. 264 00:22:36,221 --> 00:22:38,724 What, uh-- What seems to be your problem? 265 00:22:39,141 --> 00:22:42,561 Well, I've got this odd lump in the middle of my back. 266 00:22:42,561 --> 00:22:44,896 I'm, uh, somewhat concerned about it. 267 00:22:44,896 --> 00:22:46,815 Oh. 268 00:22:47,282 --> 00:22:49,785 Oh, you're concerned, an odd little lump? 269 00:22:49,785 --> 00:22:52,788 Well, at first I thought it was just a bite, 270 00:22:52,788 --> 00:22:54,790 but it hasn't gone away. 271 00:22:54,790 --> 00:22:57,292 It just keeps getting bigger and bigger. Shut up. Shut up! 272 00:23:02,798 --> 00:23:04,800 ♪♪ [ Humming ] 273 00:23:13,008 --> 00:23:15,510 Here's where your problem is. 274 00:23:15,510 --> 00:23:18,013 What is it? Will you wait! 275 00:23:18,013 --> 00:23:22,017 I'm a professional. Would you like me to jump on a misconclusion? 276 00:23:22,517 --> 00:23:25,020 Diagnose you and send you off in a coma? 277 00:23:25,020 --> 00:23:28,523 You'd like that, maybe? No, no, I thought not. 278 00:23:28,523 --> 00:23:32,027 Just wait. I gotta get my nurse. 279 00:23:32,027 --> 00:23:34,529 Kitty, get-- Yes, Dr. Scurvy? 280 00:23:38,033 --> 00:23:41,036 Here. What do you make of this? 281 00:23:41,036 --> 00:23:43,538 Um-- 282 00:23:43,538 --> 00:23:47,542 Ooh. It's an odd little lump. 283 00:23:49,044 --> 00:23:51,546 [ Gasps ] It's pretty big though, huh? 284 00:23:53,048 --> 00:23:57,018 - Uh, do I need to worry about it? - Now, look, kid. 285 00:23:57,018 --> 00:23:59,020 I see this kind of thing every day. 286 00:23:59,020 --> 00:24:02,524 You just leave it alone, and it'll fade away. 287 00:24:02,524 --> 00:24:04,526 Of course, uh, 288 00:24:06,027 --> 00:24:08,897 we-we could always cut it off. 289 00:24:10,398 --> 00:24:14,202 Uh-- Uh-- E-- 290 00:24:14,202 --> 00:24:18,206 If it's going to go away... anyway, 291 00:24:18,206 --> 00:24:22,077 I'd rather not pay the money. 292 00:24:22,077 --> 00:24:25,630 Do anything you want, you little weasel. I don't care. 293 00:24:25,630 --> 00:24:27,632 I don't care. 294 00:24:31,136 --> 00:24:32,637 [ Crunching, Spitting ] 295 00:24:33,138 --> 00:24:37,642 All right. Here. This'll fix ya. 296 00:24:37,642 --> 00:24:39,644 Right. 297 00:24:41,146 --> 00:24:43,648 That oughta do you. 298 00:24:45,150 --> 00:24:47,152 What does this say? 299 00:24:47,152 --> 00:24:50,021 Two. All right. $250. 300 00:24:56,278 --> 00:25:00,165 I-- I don't have $250. 301 00:25:02,417 --> 00:25:03,835 Oh. 302 00:25:04,336 --> 00:25:06,755 Um, well. 303 00:25:06,755 --> 00:25:09,758 There are other ways of paying, 304 00:25:10,175 --> 00:25:11,960 besides money. 305 00:25:14,296 --> 00:25:17,048 You know, when I see a great act like this, 306 00:25:17,048 --> 00:25:22,554 it makes me all hungry for Blump's cheddar-scented cheese! 307 00:25:22,554 --> 00:25:25,056 You can put this on a Welsh rarebit. 308 00:25:25,056 --> 00:25:27,559 You can put it on a-- a Chinese rarebit. 309 00:25:28,059 --> 00:25:30,562 You can put it onanykind of rarebit there is. 310 00:25:30,562 --> 00:25:32,564 Oh. [ Gasping ] 311 00:25:33,064 --> 00:25:35,567 It smells so good! [ Kids Cheering ] 312 00:25:35,567 --> 00:25:41,540 And now it's Mr. Smuntz and His Dancing Bible. 313 00:25:41,540 --> 00:25:45,043 Well, Martin. Do you realize it's been a week? 314 00:25:45,043 --> 00:25:47,045 I'm sorry, Mother. 315 00:25:49,047 --> 00:25:53,051 How long do you expect me to live on two bags of groceries? 316 00:25:53,051 --> 00:25:55,554 How are you feeling? 317 00:25:56,054 --> 00:25:58,056 It's obvious you don't care. 318 00:25:58,056 --> 00:26:00,058 I'm on my deathbed here. 319 00:26:02,561 --> 00:26:05,063 Well, 320 00:26:05,063 --> 00:26:08,567 I'm sorry that I'm a day late with the groceries, 321 00:26:13,572 --> 00:26:16,074 but I got another job. 322 00:26:16,074 --> 00:26:18,443 I knew you couldn't hold on to a job. 323 00:26:18,443 --> 00:26:20,946 No, I got a second job. 324 00:26:20,946 --> 00:26:23,949 Yeah? Doing what? 325 00:26:25,951 --> 00:26:29,454 Doing stand-up comedy. 326 00:26:29,454 --> 00:26:31,957 [ Laughing ] 327 00:26:31,957 --> 00:26:34,459 Oh, what a joke. 328 00:26:36,461 --> 00:26:38,463 Comedy's big business. 329 00:26:38,463 --> 00:26:40,715 And Gus got this agent... 330 00:26:40,715 --> 00:26:43,051 to come and see me on Tuesday. 331 00:26:43,051 --> 00:26:45,020 You're not funny, Martin. 332 00:26:49,391 --> 00:26:53,895 Listen, Marty. After you get done with that, I want you to clip my toenails. 333 00:26:53,895 --> 00:26:55,897 They're getting jagged again. 334 00:26:58,900 --> 00:27:02,904 This big agent will probably get him his own TV show. 335 00:27:02,904 --> 00:27:04,906 That's exciting. 336 00:27:04,906 --> 00:27:08,410 And he's gonna take me along. Me too. 337 00:27:08,410 --> 00:27:11,913 When Marty gets rich, we all get rich! 338 00:27:14,916 --> 00:27:17,919 [ Hysterical Laughing ] 339 00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:21,806 Hi, everybody. [ Gus ] Speak of the devil. 340 00:27:21,806 --> 00:27:25,093 [ Rosarita ] Hi, Marty. Gus, we don't want to be late. 341 00:27:25,093 --> 00:27:27,929 Well, okay, pal o' mine! Let's go! 342 00:27:28,430 --> 00:27:30,932 So you're sure that he's really coming tonight? 343 00:27:30,932 --> 00:27:33,435 As sure as my name is Gus! 344 00:27:38,940 --> 00:27:41,109 How do I look? 345 00:27:42,694 --> 00:27:45,447 Couldn't look any funnier. 346 00:27:47,248 --> 00:27:50,335 [ Woman ] Cigars. Cigarettes. 347 00:27:50,335 --> 00:27:53,288 Cigars. Cigarettes. 348 00:27:54,289 --> 00:27:56,791 Cigars. Cigarettes. 349 00:27:58,793 --> 00:28:00,628 Cigars. 350 00:28:00,628 --> 00:28:03,548 So, he says, 351 00:28:04,015 --> 00:28:07,302 "I'd like the doughnut soup, please." 352 00:28:07,302 --> 00:28:09,804 Then the guy behind the counter, he says, "Would you"””-- 353 00:28:09,804 --> 00:28:11,806 Marty! Marty! 354 00:28:12,307 --> 00:28:14,309 He just walked in. He's here, man! 355 00:28:14,809 --> 00:28:16,811 This is it! 356 00:28:24,235 --> 00:28:27,238 That is theJackie Chrome! 357 00:28:30,291 --> 00:28:33,795 I can't do it. Oh, Jesus. I can't go on. 358 00:28:33,795 --> 00:28:36,214 Pull yourself together, man. 359 00:28:36,214 --> 00:28:39,250 Just picture him out there naked. 360 00:28:39,250 --> 00:28:41,720 [ Announcer ] And now, ladies and gentlemen-- 361 00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:43,722 I'll see you after the show! [ Grunts ] 362 00:28:44,222 --> 00:28:47,225 Syd's nightclub welcomes the comedy stylings... 363 00:28:47,225 --> 00:28:49,728 of Mr. Marty Malt. 364 00:28:49,728 --> 00:28:51,730 Hey. Good to see you. 365 00:28:53,231 --> 00:28:55,233 This is gonna be great! 366 00:29:06,861 --> 00:29:09,247 Seeing all of you out there tonight... 367 00:29:09,247 --> 00:29:12,667 reminds me of my eye doctor. 368 00:29:12,667 --> 00:29:15,170 He told me I needed new glasses. 369 00:29:15,170 --> 00:29:18,123 I told him I already had four pair. 370 00:29:18,123 --> 00:29:20,625 He said I needed more. 371 00:29:20,625 --> 00:29:23,044 So I got four more pair of glasses... 372 00:29:23,545 --> 00:29:25,547 just to be on the safe side. 373 00:29:25,547 --> 00:29:29,050 So now, 16 people can drink in my house. 374 00:29:29,050 --> 00:29:31,886 [ Guffawing ] 375 00:29:37,392 --> 00:29:39,394 My friends said that I needed a hobby... 376 00:29:40,895 --> 00:29:42,864 to fill up my idle time. 377 00:29:45,283 --> 00:29:47,285 And... 378 00:29:48,286 --> 00:29:50,288 I thought it was a good idea. 379 00:29:50,288 --> 00:29:53,741 I tried stamp collecting, building the little ships in a bottle. 380 00:29:53,741 --> 00:29:56,211 None of it seemed right. 381 00:29:56,211 --> 00:29:59,164 But I finally found the hobby that suits me. 382 00:29:59,664 --> 00:30:02,634 I'm reconstructing tomatoes... 383 00:30:02,634 --> 00:30:04,469 from ketchup. 384 00:30:11,392 --> 00:30:12,894 [ Gasps ] 385 00:30:14,646 --> 00:30:17,816 [ Gus ] Mr. Chrome! Mr. Chrome! Mr. Chrome-- 386 00:30:19,150 --> 00:30:21,152 Sir-- 387 00:30:26,658 --> 00:30:28,910 Mr. Chrome, show's not over yet! 388 00:30:29,410 --> 00:30:31,412 Oh, it-- it is for me, pal. 389 00:30:31,913 --> 00:30:33,414 Your friend stinks. 390 00:30:33,915 --> 00:30:37,418 Marty Malt has to be theworst stand-up comic... 391 00:30:37,418 --> 00:30:39,921 I have ever had the misfortune to see. 392 00:30:39,921 --> 00:30:41,923 What are you being so picky for? 393 00:30:41,923 --> 00:30:44,926 You walked out before his best stuff. He was getting warmed up. 394 00:30:44,926 --> 00:30:47,929 Come on. What do you think I am? Stupid? 395 00:30:48,429 --> 00:30:50,932 Do I look stupid to you? 396 00:30:50,932 --> 00:30:53,935 Talent is my business. Your friend has none. 397 00:30:53,935 --> 00:30:56,437 Now, if you'd like some free advice, 398 00:30:56,437 --> 00:30:58,940 shoot him and put him out of his misery. 399 00:30:58,940 --> 00:31:01,943 So what are you saying? Does this mean no contract? 400 00:31:01,943 --> 00:31:04,445 On the nose, buster. On the nose. 401 00:31:04,445 --> 00:31:06,447 Wait a minute, pal! 402 00:31:07,949 --> 00:31:10,952 How 'bout a nice, class musical act? 403 00:31:10,952 --> 00:31:13,955 ♪♪ [ Glissando ] Drop dead. 404 00:31:17,959 --> 00:31:20,461 Ah, you're a bum anyway! 405 00:31:24,883 --> 00:31:28,169 He said he liked your material, loved your delivery, 406 00:31:28,169 --> 00:31:32,390 but wants you to polish it up ever so slightly. 407 00:31:33,892 --> 00:31:36,394 Ah, you don't want an agent like him anyway. 408 00:31:36,394 --> 00:31:39,397 Did you see how stiff his hair was? 409 00:31:39,397 --> 00:31:43,401 Look, he's just probably not used to such intellectual wit. 410 00:31:44,903 --> 00:31:46,905 You know agents these days. 411 00:31:46,905 --> 00:31:50,909 They handle all kinds of dumb acts. 412 00:31:50,909 --> 00:31:54,696 I would take it as a good sign, if I were you. 413 00:31:54,696 --> 00:31:56,698 I don't know. 414 00:31:58,700 --> 00:32:01,703 - You think so? - Definitely! 415 00:32:01,703 --> 00:32:06,291 And I got an idea about how you can polish up your act. 416 00:32:06,291 --> 00:32:09,377 Musical accompaniment! 417 00:32:09,377 --> 00:32:13,881 ♪♪ [ "Sailor's Hornpipe" ] 418 00:32:13,881 --> 00:32:17,885 Yeah, you know, you tell a few jokes, I play a few notes. 419 00:32:17,885 --> 00:32:21,055 You tell a few more jokes, I play a few more notes. 420 00:32:21,055 --> 00:32:24,525 Then, during your bow, I play a little song. 421 00:32:24,525 --> 00:32:27,195 It'll be real original. 422 00:32:27,195 --> 00:32:31,199 Yeah. Yeah! 423 00:32:31,199 --> 00:32:34,786 That might not be a bad idea. Yeah. 424 00:32:34,786 --> 00:32:36,788 Let's do it! 425 00:32:36,788 --> 00:32:40,158 You see, that's what I've been trying to tell you all alo-- 426 00:32:44,128 --> 00:32:45,913 Turn around, Marty. 427 00:32:45,913 --> 00:32:49,050 - What? - Just do it. 428 00:32:55,506 --> 00:32:58,476 Great Caesar's ghost! 429 00:32:58,476 --> 00:33:00,478 - What? What happened? - Marty! 430 00:33:00,979 --> 00:33:03,481 Look! Look at your lump! 431 00:33:07,485 --> 00:33:11,489 Oh, my God! Wait! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 432 00:33:11,990 --> 00:33:14,993 [ Grunting ] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 433 00:33:14,993 --> 00:33:16,995 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 434 00:33:16,995 --> 00:33:19,497 That's weird, man. That's weird! God help me! 435 00:33:19,998 --> 00:33:21,499 God help me! God! 436 00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:25,003 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Calm down a minute, will ya? 437 00:33:25,003 --> 00:33:27,505 Do something, Gus! Do something, Gus! Calm down! Calm down! 438 00:33:27,505 --> 00:33:29,507 Just calm down. 439 00:33:32,010 --> 00:33:34,512 Now, 440 00:33:34,512 --> 00:33:36,514 let me take a look at it. 441 00:33:47,525 --> 00:33:51,529 [ Chuckling ] Oh, man. Oh, man. 442 00:33:51,863 --> 00:33:54,565 Oh, no. [ Laughing ] 443 00:33:54,565 --> 00:33:56,567 Oh. 444 00:33:59,487 --> 00:34:02,490 - Can you feel this? - Yes! 445 00:34:02,490 --> 00:34:05,993 [ Chuckling ] Uh-- [ Clears Throat ] 446 00:34:11,416 --> 00:34:13,918 [ Screams ] Gus! 447 00:34:13,918 --> 00:34:16,337 [ Laughing ] Oh, my God, Gus! 448 00:34:16,337 --> 00:34:18,840 Whoo! Whoo! Gus! What is it, Gus? 449 00:34:20,341 --> 00:34:22,844 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 450 00:34:22,844 --> 00:34:27,815 Oh, my God! [ Screaming ] Whoa! 451 00:34:27,815 --> 00:34:31,319 I don't know why you keep running in here all the time. 452 00:34:31,319 --> 00:34:33,604 I see this type of thing every day. 453 00:34:33,604 --> 00:34:36,607 I told you if you left it alone, it would probably go away. 454 00:34:36,607 --> 00:34:40,578 But, no, you probably picked it, right? 455 00:34:40,578 --> 00:34:45,083 I am sick and tired of you little mama boys coming in here... 456 00:34:45,083 --> 00:34:49,087 every time you have an abrasion or a hand growing out of the back or whatever. 457 00:34:49,087 --> 00:34:52,590 I am a busy man, and I can't spend my time babying you wimps. 458 00:34:52,590 --> 00:34:55,376 Medicine is reserved... 459 00:34:55,376 --> 00:34:58,880 for those with real problems, life and death kind of stuff, 460 00:34:58,880 --> 00:35:01,883 not these little frivolities you guys come in here with! 461 00:35:01,883 --> 00:35:05,386 Well, I-- I never heard of this. 462 00:35:05,386 --> 00:35:07,889 Yeah! That's why you're not the doctor. 463 00:35:10,108 --> 00:35:14,362 [ Screams, Crying ] 464 00:35:14,362 --> 00:35:17,865 Oh! Oh, my God! That's gross! 465 00:35:17,865 --> 00:35:21,869 That is so gross! That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen! 466 00:35:21,869 --> 00:35:23,871 You promised you wouldn't scream. 467 00:35:24,372 --> 00:35:25,873 You didn't tell me it was a hand! 468 00:35:26,374 --> 00:35:28,876 I thought it would be a carbuncle or a boil, but a hand? 469 00:35:28,876 --> 00:35:31,379 I mean, Jesus! I thought you'd understand. 470 00:35:31,379 --> 00:35:33,881 It's disgusting! It's gross! 471 00:35:34,382 --> 00:35:38,386 I'll-- I'll always keep my shirt on. It won't matter! 472 00:35:38,386 --> 00:35:42,390 People don't grow hands out of their back! What's wrong with you? 473 00:35:42,390 --> 00:35:45,393 Well, I-- I didn't grow one on purpose. 474 00:35:45,393 --> 00:35:48,896 Oh, geez! I gotta get out of here. Wait a minute. 475 00:35:48,896 --> 00:35:51,399 Look, Marty, it's all over between the two of us! 476 00:35:51,399 --> 00:35:54,902 I can't love a man with three hands. I'm sorry. 477 00:35:54,902 --> 00:35:58,406 It's all over, Marty! 478 00:35:58,406 --> 00:36:00,191 [ Door Slams ] 479 00:36:14,839 --> 00:36:18,342 Oh, yeah? Well, my Gussy here eats garbage. 480 00:36:18,342 --> 00:36:21,345 He does? You do? 481 00:36:21,345 --> 00:36:23,347 Real garbage? 482 00:36:23,347 --> 00:36:25,850 Yup. I'll eat anything. 483 00:36:25,850 --> 00:36:27,852 I'll even eat bugs! 484 00:36:30,354 --> 00:36:34,358 - Well, I don't eat bugs. - That's about the only thing you don't eat. 485 00:36:34,358 --> 00:36:36,360 [ All Laughing ] 486 00:36:36,360 --> 00:36:38,863 Well, I have horseradish on my pancakes. 487 00:36:38,863 --> 00:36:42,867 Did any of you ever eat dog food... 488 00:36:42,867 --> 00:36:45,369 stir-fried in castor oil, 489 00:36:46,871 --> 00:36:49,373 topped with minced clams... 490 00:36:49,373 --> 00:36:51,876 in a sugary cream sauce... 491 00:36:51,876 --> 00:36:53,878 with pimento and chives? 492 00:36:53,878 --> 00:36:55,880 No one eats that! 493 00:36:55,880 --> 00:36:58,382 Oh, yeah? 494 00:36:58,382 --> 00:37:02,386 Show 'em what I had for breakfast this morning! 495 00:37:04,889 --> 00:37:07,391 [ Howling, Laughing ] 496 00:37:07,892 --> 00:37:10,895 Whoo! [ Squealing ] 497 00:37:11,896 --> 00:37:13,898 Whoo-hoo! 498 00:37:13,898 --> 00:37:16,400 Baby! 499 00:37:16,901 --> 00:37:18,402 Ooh. That stinks. 500 00:37:24,408 --> 00:37:27,411 [ All Laughing ] 501 00:37:30,915 --> 00:37:33,918 [ Squealing, Whooping ] 502 00:37:58,943 --> 00:38:01,445 [ Squealing ] 503 00:38:03,447 --> 00:38:06,951 Oh, mwah! My compliments to the chef! 504 00:38:09,453 --> 00:38:11,455 [ Gasping ] 505 00:38:11,956 --> 00:38:13,958 Wait a second! 506 00:38:15,459 --> 00:38:19,463 You guys wanna see something really neat? 507 00:38:19,463 --> 00:38:21,966 Uh-huh. Well, come on! 508 00:38:25,836 --> 00:38:29,840 [ Women Cackling ] 509 00:38:30,224 --> 00:38:32,176 [ Knocking ] [ Gus ] Marty! 510 00:38:32,176 --> 00:38:34,178 Party! Whoo-hoo! [ Knocking Continues ] 511 00:38:34,178 --> 00:38:37,098 Whoa! Wake up, Marty! Come on. Open up. 512 00:38:50,578 --> 00:38:53,581 Marty! [ Laughing Continues ] 513 00:39:03,007 --> 00:39:06,010 Whoo! Marty, old buddy! Ol' pal o' mine! 514 00:39:06,510 --> 00:39:08,512 We didn't wake you, did we, Marty? 515 00:39:08,512 --> 00:39:11,015 Nah, we didn't wake you, did we, Marty? 516 00:39:11,015 --> 00:39:13,517 See? He's still all dressed. No, I-- I-- 517 00:39:13,517 --> 00:39:16,020 I told you he'd be up, didn't I? Huh? 518 00:39:16,020 --> 00:39:20,024 Huh? My Marty here, he's like an owl. 519 00:39:21,525 --> 00:39:23,027 Make yourselves at home. 520 00:39:25,029 --> 00:39:29,533 Girls, I bet you never met a star before, huh? 521 00:39:29,533 --> 00:39:31,986 Mmm. [ Giggling ] 522 00:39:31,986 --> 00:39:34,488 You are standing in front... 523 00:39:34,488 --> 00:39:36,374 of the one and only... 524 00:39:36,374 --> 00:39:38,376 Marty Malt! 525 00:39:38,376 --> 00:39:40,878 Ooh! [ Hooting ] 526 00:39:40,878 --> 00:39:43,881 Marty Malt, this is Pickles. 527 00:39:46,384 --> 00:39:48,886 And this-- whoa-- 528 00:39:49,387 --> 00:39:51,389 is Shirley! 529 00:39:51,389 --> 00:39:53,391 I'm Pickles. That's Shirley. 530 00:39:53,891 --> 00:39:56,894 Oh! Oh! Pickles, Shirley. Shirley, Pickles. 531 00:39:56,894 --> 00:39:58,896 Shekels, shackles, tickle, tackle! 532 00:39:58,896 --> 00:40:02,900 Who cares! [ Laughing Hysterically ] 533 00:40:02,900 --> 00:40:05,820 Gus, I don't mean to be a party pooper, 534 00:40:05,820 --> 00:40:08,322 but it's really late. 535 00:40:08,322 --> 00:40:10,324 Enough with the small talk. 536 00:40:11,826 --> 00:40:13,327 Ladies, 537 00:40:13,828 --> 00:40:17,281 will you excuse us for a moment? 538 00:40:22,787 --> 00:40:25,790 Look, Mart, I promised the girls a little something. 539 00:40:26,290 --> 00:40:29,293 You don't mind helping out, do you? Tell some jokes? 540 00:40:29,293 --> 00:40:32,296 I promised them you'd show 'em somethin'. 541 00:40:34,799 --> 00:40:37,802 Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Come on. Show it to 'em. 542 00:40:37,802 --> 00:40:39,804 No way, Gus. Uh-uh. 543 00:40:39,804 --> 00:40:43,808 If you do, you can have your pick of either Shirley or Pickles. 544 00:40:43,808 --> 00:40:46,310 Both drunk and ready to be taken advantage of. 545 00:40:46,310 --> 00:40:49,313 Ooh. [ Giggling ] 546 00:40:49,313 --> 00:40:51,315 Ooh! Ooh! 547 00:40:56,821 --> 00:40:59,824 No way. Come on, Marty. 548 00:40:59,824 --> 00:41:01,826 No way. 549 00:41:01,826 --> 00:41:04,829 Marty. No. 550 00:41:04,829 --> 00:41:08,833 Oh, I see how it is. You ask a favor of a friend, and what do you get? 551 00:41:08,833 --> 00:41:10,835 A kick in the pants. 552 00:41:10,835 --> 00:41:13,337 And you call yourself a friend? 553 00:41:13,838 --> 00:41:16,340 Well, am I-- am I asking so much? 554 00:41:16,340 --> 00:41:20,845 Am I asking you to kill your mother, or poke out your own eyes? 555 00:41:20,845 --> 00:41:22,847 I don't think so. 556 00:41:24,849 --> 00:41:27,151 I'm disappointed in you, Marty. 557 00:41:29,653 --> 00:41:32,156 Who got you the job at the club? 558 00:41:33,157 --> 00:41:35,159 You. 559 00:41:36,443 --> 00:41:40,114 Who, uh, got Jackie Chrome to come see your act? 560 00:41:40,114 --> 00:41:43,033 He's a big man, you know. You. 561 00:41:43,033 --> 00:41:47,087 Who's been pulling your butt out of trouble since we were yea high? 562 00:41:48,589 --> 00:41:53,093 You. Well, I think the record speaks for itself. 563 00:41:54,595 --> 00:41:57,097 I think if the shoe was on the other foot, 564 00:41:57,097 --> 00:41:59,600 you know what I'd do. 565 00:42:02,102 --> 00:42:04,605 Yeah. But it's up to you, Marty. 566 00:42:04,605 --> 00:42:07,608 If you don't want to do me this one small favor... 567 00:42:07,608 --> 00:42:10,110 after all I've done for you, 568 00:42:11,612 --> 00:42:14,031 then just forget it. 569 00:42:19,537 --> 00:42:21,038 [ Giggling ] 570 00:42:21,539 --> 00:42:23,040 Okay. Huh? 571 00:42:23,541 --> 00:42:25,042 Huh? Okay. 572 00:42:25,543 --> 00:42:29,496 All right! Well, come on over and show the girls! 573 00:42:33,000 --> 00:42:37,004 Ladies, what you are about to see... 574 00:42:37,004 --> 00:42:40,007 is the eighth wonder of the world. 575 00:42:41,508 --> 00:42:43,510 May I humbly present... 576 00:42:45,012 --> 00:42:48,515 the backside of Marty Malt! 577 00:42:55,940 --> 00:42:59,944 Whoa! Well, pickle my tongue! You rascal, you didn't even tell me! 578 00:42:59,944 --> 00:43:03,414 Tell you what? Look. 579 00:43:07,835 --> 00:43:11,622 - Oh, God. - Kind of weird, you know? 580 00:43:11,622 --> 00:43:15,092 I don't know. I think it's kind of funny looking. 581 00:43:15,092 --> 00:43:17,595 Okay, girls. Show's over. 582 00:43:17,595 --> 00:43:20,097 [ Laughing ] 583 00:43:22,099 --> 00:43:24,101 Marty. Marty. 584 00:43:27,104 --> 00:43:29,607 Hey, Marty. 585 00:43:29,607 --> 00:43:32,109 When did it get that big, man? 586 00:43:32,109 --> 00:43:34,612 It wasn't that big earlier. 587 00:43:36,113 --> 00:43:39,483 You're a weirdo, man. You're a nutcase. 588 00:43:39,984 --> 00:43:41,986 [ Laughing Loudly ] 589 00:43:42,486 --> 00:43:46,707 Hey, Marty. Mind if we use your bed for a minute? 590 00:43:46,707 --> 00:43:49,660 Know what I mean, huh? Huh? 591 00:43:51,662 --> 00:43:54,665 I don't know. Aw, come on, Marty. 592 00:43:54,665 --> 00:43:56,667 I can't wait. 593 00:43:56,667 --> 00:43:58,669 Gus! Marty! 594 00:44:02,222 --> 00:44:04,224 [ Train Crossing Bell Dinging ] I guess so. 595 00:44:04,224 --> 00:44:06,477 That's my boy! 596 00:44:06,477 --> 00:44:08,929 You sure you don't want to join us? 597 00:44:08,929 --> 00:44:11,348 Yeah. Yeah. I-I-I-I'm sure. 598 00:44:11,348 --> 00:44:15,235 I'll just wait right here in the kitchen. [ Laughing ] Oh! 599 00:44:16,236 --> 00:44:18,072 Whoopee! 600 00:44:18,572 --> 00:44:23,077 I love it! Here comes Daddy, you three little vixens! 601 00:44:25,079 --> 00:44:27,581 Let's get naked! 602 00:44:27,581 --> 00:44:32,086 Whoo! Yeah! Whoo! [ Laughing ] 603 00:44:33,087 --> 00:44:36,590 Ah, Marty! Marty, come on, man! 604 00:44:36,590 --> 00:44:39,009 Whoo! [ Women Giggling ] 605 00:44:40,961 --> 00:44:44,515 [ Moaning ] 606 00:44:45,015 --> 00:44:46,517 Oh, Marty. 607 00:44:47,017 --> 00:44:50,521 This is great! Ah, man! Oh, God! 608 00:44:50,521 --> 00:44:54,975 Marty! [ Gasping ] 609 00:44:54,975 --> 00:44:58,228 [ Echoing ] Marty! 610 00:45:05,536 --> 00:45:08,455 Get away from me! [ Marty ] Please, Ma! 611 00:45:12,710 --> 00:45:17,414 - Why won't you look at it? - I can't stand to look at that thing one more time! 612 00:45:18,916 --> 00:45:22,419 How can such a thing happen? How can you do this to me? 613 00:45:22,419 --> 00:45:24,805 Do you think I grew this on purpose? 614 00:45:24,805 --> 00:45:28,726 How do I know why you did it? You think I could figure out what goes on in your head? 615 00:45:29,226 --> 00:45:31,228 You're just like your father. 616 00:45:31,228 --> 00:45:34,732 I give you my life, and what do you do? You treat me like dirt. 617 00:45:34,732 --> 00:45:37,184 You think you bring up a kid right, and what does he do? 618 00:45:37,184 --> 00:45:39,686 He pulls a stunt like this! 619 00:45:39,686 --> 00:45:42,156 What are you trying to do, give me a heart attack? 620 00:45:42,156 --> 00:45:45,075 You know I can't take this sort of thing! Do you care? No! 621 00:45:45,075 --> 00:45:47,077 What do you care? 622 00:46:02,793 --> 00:46:04,795 [ Blows Nose ] 623 00:46:09,800 --> 00:46:12,686 I'm running a nightclub here, not a circus sideshow. 624 00:46:12,686 --> 00:46:15,355 But, Syd, no one's gonna see it. I'm gonna see it! 625 00:46:15,355 --> 00:46:18,976 Now get the hell out of here. I don't want no freaks performing in my club. 626 00:46:18,976 --> 00:46:21,478 - But, Syd-- - It's not just the arm. 627 00:46:21,478 --> 00:46:25,115 I've been looking to fire you for a long time now. Your jokes stink. 628 00:46:25,115 --> 00:46:29,369 I got me a new comic. Here. This here's Rufus Bing. 629 00:46:29,369 --> 00:46:31,705 [ Chuckles ] He knows comedy. 630 00:46:31,705 --> 00:46:34,208 Show him your stuff, Rufus. Okay. 631 00:46:34,208 --> 00:46:38,462 So, I go into this coffee shop, and there's three other guys in there and me. 632 00:46:38,462 --> 00:46:40,998 There's an Italian guy, there's a Swedish guy, 633 00:46:40,998 --> 00:46:43,300 there's a Jamaican guy and me. 634 00:46:43,300 --> 00:46:45,302 And there's one cup of coffee left. 635 00:46:45,302 --> 00:46:49,673 Suddenly this Mazatlántian waitress comes up and drinks it herself. 636 00:46:49,673 --> 00:46:52,810 Which just goes to prove... 637 00:46:52,810 --> 00:46:55,813 nobody can get a cup of coffee in this town! 638 00:46:55,813 --> 00:46:59,566 [ Laughing ] Look at him! Yeah-- Now, that's comedy! 639 00:46:59,566 --> 00:47:02,986 - But, Syd-- - That's it! I've had it with you. 640 00:47:02,986 --> 00:47:05,856 Take your third arm, your lousy jokes and beat it, you freak! 641 00:47:05,856 --> 00:47:08,242 You're starting to make me sick. 642 00:47:08,742 --> 00:47:12,663 I'll give you 20 bucks a day, uh, Tuesdays and Thursdays. 643 00:47:12,663 --> 00:47:15,532 Uh, just keep those original jokes coming. [ Chuckling ] 644 00:47:15,532 --> 00:47:18,535 Nobody can get a cup of coffee here! [ Laughing ] 645 00:47:19,036 --> 00:47:23,040 Oh, that's rich. That's rich! [ Laughing ] 646 00:47:33,383 --> 00:47:36,603 [ Knocking ] 647 00:47:37,104 --> 00:47:39,223 Who is it? It's Gus. 648 00:47:39,223 --> 00:47:41,475 Come on in. 649 00:47:43,360 --> 00:47:46,313 Hey, Marty! Look who I brought to see you. 650 00:47:46,813 --> 00:47:49,783 - Hi. - Dr. Scurvy. 651 00:47:53,704 --> 00:47:57,624 Hmm. What's that growing out of your back? 652 00:47:57,624 --> 00:47:59,710 An arm? 653 00:47:59,710 --> 00:48:03,630 Hey, Marty, I was down at the dump, looking around for stuff, 654 00:48:04,131 --> 00:48:07,134 [ Spits ] and who do you suppose I run into? 655 00:48:07,501 --> 00:48:09,303 Good old Dr. Scurvy here. 656 00:48:09,303 --> 00:48:13,257 So, we get to talking and decided to come and see ya. 657 00:48:13,257 --> 00:48:16,760 Yeah, we-we came to see you and, uh, we came to help you. 658 00:48:17,144 --> 00:48:19,846 Help me? What do you mean? 659 00:48:19,846 --> 00:48:22,599 What do I mean? 660 00:48:23,100 --> 00:48:26,570 You seem to have forgotten. I'm a doctor. 661 00:48:28,572 --> 00:48:31,074 I fix things. 662 00:48:31,074 --> 00:48:33,076 Yeah. Yeah! [ Laughing Hysterically ] 663 00:48:33,076 --> 00:48:36,079 [ Grunting, Screaming ] 664 00:48:40,083 --> 00:48:44,004 [ High-pitched Screaming ] 665 00:48:47,424 --> 00:48:51,211 [ Cat Howling ] 666 00:48:57,217 --> 00:49:00,554 [ Howling Continues ] 667 00:49:14,534 --> 00:49:16,536 Gus, he hated me. I can't go in. 668 00:49:16,536 --> 00:49:19,039 Would you shut up about that? He didn't hate you. 669 00:49:19,539 --> 00:49:23,043 Besides, you got a gimmick now. It's a crazy idea. 670 00:49:23,043 --> 00:49:26,046 Let's go home. No way! Come on! We're here. 671 00:49:26,046 --> 00:49:28,548 What's the matter with you? Don't you ever want to succeed, huh? 672 00:49:28,548 --> 00:49:31,551 It'll never work. [ Excited Gasping ] 673 00:49:31,551 --> 00:49:33,553 Here we are. 674 00:49:33,553 --> 00:49:36,556 Jackie Chrome, talent agent. 675 00:49:38,342 --> 00:49:40,143 This is a mistake. 676 00:49:40,143 --> 00:49:42,646 Marty! Marty. Marty! 677 00:49:44,147 --> 00:49:48,151 On the other side of this door sits the golden key... 678 00:49:48,151 --> 00:49:50,153 of opportunity. 679 00:49:51,655 --> 00:49:53,657 Go ahead. Knock. 680 00:49:58,662 --> 00:50:00,664 You knock. 681 00:50:06,169 --> 00:50:08,171 [ Jackie ] Come in. 682 00:50:12,542 --> 00:50:15,345 ♪♪ [ Operatic ] ♪♪ [ Different Notes ] 683 00:50:15,345 --> 00:50:17,964 Come in. I'll be with you in just a minute. 684 00:50:18,298 --> 00:50:21,385 ♪♪ [ Continues ] 685 00:50:35,532 --> 00:50:37,117 [ Laughing ] 686 00:50:37,617 --> 00:50:40,620 Beautiful! Bravo, kids. That was wonderful. Wonderful. 687 00:50:41,121 --> 00:50:43,623 Why don't you, uh, give me a call in about a week? 688 00:50:43,623 --> 00:50:47,127 - I just might have something for you. - How exciting. 689 00:50:47,127 --> 00:50:50,130 In the meantime, keep up the good work. Thank you. 690 00:50:52,082 --> 00:50:54,584 Thank you. Cheerio. 691 00:50:54,584 --> 00:50:57,087 Cheerio. [ Woman ] Very nice to meet you. 692 00:50:59,589 --> 00:51:02,092 Weren't they a bunch of honeys? 693 00:51:02,092 --> 00:51:05,595 Mark my word, you'll be hearing big things about Marjorie Zipp... 694 00:51:05,595 --> 00:51:07,597 and Her Human Xylophone. 695 00:51:09,099 --> 00:51:12,352 Uh-- Do I know you guys? 696 00:51:12,602 --> 00:51:15,188 As a matter of fact, you do, Mr. Chrome. 697 00:51:15,188 --> 00:51:19,659 The name here is Gus, and I'm sure you remember Marty Malt. 698 00:51:19,659 --> 00:51:22,612 Oh, no. Oh, no, not a chance. 699 00:51:22,996 --> 00:51:25,198 I thought I told you guys to drop dead. 700 00:51:25,198 --> 00:51:28,952 - Calm down there, Mr. Chrome. - You just take your little friend and get out. 701 00:51:29,119 --> 00:51:32,589 Before you jump to any conclusions, let me explain. 702 00:51:32,789 --> 00:51:36,376 You got no explaining to me, pal. I told you before, this guy stinks. 703 00:51:36,376 --> 00:51:40,213 I got no place in my agency for the likes of him. Let's go, Gus. 704 00:51:40,213 --> 00:51:43,967 Sit down. Mr. Chrome, I don't think you quite understand. 705 00:51:44,134 --> 00:51:47,020 I understand perfectly. 706 00:51:47,387 --> 00:51:48,972 Something wonderful has happened. 707 00:51:49,306 --> 00:51:52,142 What? Somebody laughed at one of his jokes, so now you think he's star material? 708 00:51:52,142 --> 00:51:54,444 Get up, Marty. 709 00:51:54,444 --> 00:51:57,397 Come here. Come here. 710 00:51:57,397 --> 00:51:59,399 Come on. Come on. Get over here. 711 00:52:00,901 --> 00:52:04,871 Here stands Marty Malt, a stand-up comedian extraordinaire, 712 00:52:04,871 --> 00:52:07,707 but with a difference. I've just about had it. 713 00:52:07,707 --> 00:52:09,659 Take your coat off, Marty. 714 00:52:09,659 --> 00:52:12,162 No, do me a favor and leave your coat on and get the hell out. 715 00:52:12,162 --> 00:52:15,632 - I've heard enough. - [ Gus Chuckles ] 716 00:52:15,632 --> 00:52:18,385 Turn around, Marty. 717 00:52:20,303 --> 00:52:23,306 Presenting Marty Malt, 718 00:52:23,807 --> 00:52:26,810 the comic with a little something extra. 719 00:52:27,144 --> 00:52:30,597 [ Pounds Desk ] I said get the hell out! 720 00:52:32,599 --> 00:52:35,101 Oh, what have we here, the old-- 721 00:52:35,101 --> 00:52:38,605 [ Laughs ] The old "fake arm out of the back" routine? 722 00:52:38,605 --> 00:52:43,109 Let me tell you something, schmuck. I've seen 'em all. I've seen 'em with-- 723 00:52:46,112 --> 00:52:48,031 I've seen-- 724 00:52:49,533 --> 00:52:51,918 It's real? 725 00:52:53,920 --> 00:52:56,423 This is real? [ Laughs ] 726 00:52:56,423 --> 00:53:00,427 It's-- It's real. 727 00:53:00,427 --> 00:53:03,430 It's real! It's real! 728 00:53:03,930 --> 00:53:06,433 [ Maniacal Laugh ] 729 00:53:11,388 --> 00:53:15,442 [ Sizzling ] 730 00:53:15,442 --> 00:53:19,946 Marty Malt. Marty Malt. 731 00:53:19,946 --> 00:53:22,449 We gotta do something about the name, fellas. 732 00:53:22,449 --> 00:53:27,454 Martin-- Marty Malt. It just doesn't grab me. 733 00:53:27,454 --> 00:53:30,457 You're right. Marty Malt, that name stinks. 734 00:53:30,457 --> 00:53:34,461 You see, Marty, in showbiz, everything's in the name. 735 00:53:34,461 --> 00:53:36,463 The name's more important than talent even. 736 00:53:36,463 --> 00:53:39,466 You gotta have a name that grabs people. 737 00:53:39,466 --> 00:53:42,469 You gotta have a name that draws 'em in. 738 00:53:42,469 --> 00:53:44,921 How 'bout Gus? 739 00:53:44,921 --> 00:53:48,842 That's-- That's wonderful. That's really wonderful. 740 00:53:50,343 --> 00:53:54,347 Gus, the Three-Armed Comic, and His Musical Accompanist, Gus. 741 00:53:54,347 --> 00:53:58,318 You guys don't know a thing about show business. 742 00:53:58,818 --> 00:54:00,820 You gotta have a name that's snazzy. 743 00:54:00,820 --> 00:54:02,822 A name with pizzazz, you know. 744 00:54:02,822 --> 00:54:05,609 How about Peppy Rodriguez? 745 00:54:05,609 --> 00:54:07,527 [ Scoffs ] No. No. 746 00:54:07,527 --> 00:54:11,031 The Amazing Maltzie. 747 00:54:11,031 --> 00:54:14,534 What are you, stupid? No M's. 748 00:54:14,534 --> 00:54:17,537 Nothing that sounds like Malt. 749 00:54:17,537 --> 00:54:20,540 You don't want anything that sounds like your real name. 750 00:54:20,540 --> 00:54:24,544 Beside, we gotta push the third arm. That's the important thing. 751 00:54:27,514 --> 00:54:29,516 Willy the Wonder Comic. 752 00:54:31,935 --> 00:54:34,437 I like "Wonder." 753 00:54:34,437 --> 00:54:36,439 I like "Wonder." 754 00:54:36,439 --> 00:54:38,358 Willy... 755 00:54:38,808 --> 00:54:43,113 the Three-Armed Wonder. 756 00:54:43,613 --> 00:54:45,615 - Comic. - Huh? 757 00:54:45,615 --> 00:54:48,068 Willy, the Three-Armed Wonder Comic. 758 00:54:48,535 --> 00:54:52,205 [ Chuckles ] I got it. 759 00:54:52,622 --> 00:54:56,126 [ Mouthing Words ] 760 00:54:56,626 --> 00:55:01,381 Desi, the Three-Armed Wonder Comic. 761 00:55:03,883 --> 00:55:05,885 Desi? Perfect. 762 00:55:05,885 --> 00:55:08,888 Wh-Where did Desi come from? 763 00:55:08,888 --> 00:55:10,890 Genius, my boy, genius. 764 00:55:10,890 --> 00:55:16,396 Welcome to showbiz, Desi, the Three-Armed Wonder Comic. 765 00:55:16,896 --> 00:55:19,399 [ Gus Laughs ] 766 00:55:19,399 --> 00:55:21,768 ♪♪ [ Accordion ] 767 00:55:39,753 --> 00:55:42,756 ♪♪ [ Accordion Continues ] 768 00:55:49,629 --> 00:55:54,134 [ Jackie ] Fellas, I got you booked Thursday night at Club Gay Paree. Ooh-la-la. 769 00:55:54,134 --> 00:55:56,636 Friday night at Sam's Hoedown Ranch. 770 00:55:56,636 --> 00:56:00,140 And then I got a gig for you at Sloppy's on Saturday and Sunday. 771 00:56:00,140 --> 00:56:02,642 Sloppy's? You hear that, Mart? 772 00:56:02,642 --> 00:56:05,645 We're gonna be performing at Sloppy's. 773 00:56:05,645 --> 00:56:07,647 Let me tell you guys, come this time next week, 774 00:56:08,148 --> 00:56:11,151 we're gonna be blowing our noses in money. 775 00:56:11,151 --> 00:56:16,156 Sam's Hoedown. I ate a dog there once. 776 00:56:16,156 --> 00:56:20,627 ♪♪ [ Accordion Continues ] 777 00:56:31,504 --> 00:56:34,507 I've always felt that the fingernails and toenails... 778 00:56:34,507 --> 00:56:38,511 are the most underrated part of the human anatomy. 779 00:56:38,511 --> 00:56:42,515 The sensual implications are, of course, self-evident. 780 00:56:42,515 --> 00:56:45,518 However, left in a natural state, 781 00:56:45,518 --> 00:56:50,523 their crudity, their vulgarity is almost unbearable. 782 00:56:51,024 --> 00:56:52,525 For me, anyway. 783 00:56:52,942 --> 00:56:57,530 ♪♪ [ Accordion Continues ] [ Maniacal Laugh ] 784 00:57:08,258 --> 00:57:12,345 How does it feel in the shoulder? Too tight? 785 00:57:12,345 --> 00:57:16,349 No. M-Move your arms around. See how it feels. 786 00:57:16,349 --> 00:57:19,352 [ Laughs ] 787 00:57:19,352 --> 00:57:21,354 It's good? Wonderful. Wonderful. 788 00:57:21,354 --> 00:57:24,357 You look pretty sharp, man. [ Laughs ] 789 00:57:24,858 --> 00:57:27,360 Nothing's too good for our boy Marty here, huh, guys? 790 00:57:27,360 --> 00:57:31,364 That's right. A wonderful job, Raoul. Wonderful. 791 00:57:31,364 --> 00:57:35,368 Thank you, sir. I'm rather proud of it myself. 792 00:57:35,368 --> 00:57:39,205 Pay the guy, Marty. ♪♪ [ Accordion Continues ] 793 00:57:46,162 --> 00:57:47,664 ♪♪ [ Ends ] [ Maniacal Laugh ] 794 00:57:48,164 --> 00:57:51,668 Marty, we're gonna be famous. [ Maniacal Laugh ] 795 00:57:51,668 --> 00:57:53,970 [ Howls ] 796 00:57:54,971 --> 00:57:58,475 [ Marty ] Only I already had four pair. 797 00:57:58,475 --> 00:58:02,479 But he said I needed new ones, so I got four more pair, 798 00:58:02,979 --> 00:58:04,981 just to be on the safe side. [ Dog Barking ] 799 00:58:04,981 --> 00:58:09,486 So now 16 people can drink in my house. 800 00:58:09,486 --> 00:58:12,989 ♪♪ [ "Sailor's Hornpipe" ] 801 00:58:28,004 --> 00:58:30,540 [ Marty ] I was on a farm recently. 802 00:58:30,790 --> 00:58:33,376 Farms are such funny places. 803 00:58:33,877 --> 00:58:37,380 Somewhere something's missing. 804 00:58:37,630 --> 00:58:41,217 It wasn't me. I think his timing was off. 805 00:58:41,217 --> 00:58:43,720 Well, maybe the jokes aren't strong enough. 806 00:58:45,555 --> 00:58:47,440 Maybe if he did it without his shirt on. 807 00:58:47,440 --> 00:58:50,310 What? Half naked? 808 00:58:50,476 --> 00:58:52,562 Let's both do it totally naked. 809 00:58:52,562 --> 00:58:55,565 What are you, stupid? You want me to lose my license? 810 00:58:55,565 --> 00:58:58,067 I mean, what we need here is a gimmick. 811 00:58:58,067 --> 00:59:00,320 I thought my arm was the gimmick. 812 00:59:00,570 --> 00:59:02,655 It is, but we need more of a gimmick. 813 00:59:02,655 --> 00:59:05,158 It was probably just a tough crowd. 814 00:59:05,158 --> 00:59:07,994 Could be, but we really need a little spark. 815 00:59:09,462 --> 00:59:12,332 [ Gus ] How about this? I think I got it. 816 00:59:12,498 --> 00:59:15,084 Right now I sit on Marty's left side. 817 00:59:15,084 --> 00:59:19,589 What if I were to, unexpectedly, after the first two jokes, 818 00:59:19,589 --> 00:59:22,091 move my chair to Marty's right side? 819 00:59:22,091 --> 00:59:24,510 Then back again after two more jokes. 820 00:59:24,510 --> 00:59:26,896 And then you do that, like every-- every couple of jokes? 821 00:59:26,896 --> 00:59:28,898 Yeah. 822 00:59:28,898 --> 00:59:30,900 Yeah. [ Chuckles ] 823 00:59:30,900 --> 00:59:34,404 Yeah, I like that. I mean it would give the act... 824 00:59:34,404 --> 00:59:37,357 just enough action to be entertaining, and yet, 825 00:59:37,357 --> 00:59:39,359 not so much it would cover up Marty. 826 00:59:39,359 --> 00:59:41,361 Yeah, I like that. That's real good. 827 00:59:41,361 --> 00:59:43,363 [ Laughs ] That's real good. 828 00:59:43,363 --> 00:59:47,784 I hope all that motion doesn't confuse me. 829 00:59:47,784 --> 00:59:50,336 I'd hate for my timing to be thrown off. 830 00:59:50,336 --> 00:59:54,340 Timing, "schmiming." There's more important things to comedy than timing. 831 00:59:54,340 --> 00:59:57,343 Gus is right, Marty. I mean, I believe this is the answer. 832 00:59:59,846 --> 01:00:02,348 Come on, Marty. Don't look so down, man. 833 01:00:02,348 --> 01:00:04,684 The act's gonna work. It's not that. 834 01:00:04,968 --> 01:00:07,053 Well, what? Well, I-- 835 01:00:07,053 --> 01:00:12,442 I've been thinking about Rosarita. 836 01:00:12,609 --> 01:00:14,193 [ Sighs ] 837 01:00:15,561 --> 01:00:19,148 - What's a Rosarita? - Just some old girlfriend. 838 01:00:19,565 --> 01:00:21,367 She dumped him when he grew his hand. 839 01:00:22,819 --> 01:00:24,821 Well, then who needs her? 840 01:00:24,821 --> 01:00:27,156 [ Gus ] That's what I've been telling him. 841 01:00:27,156 --> 01:00:31,377 But our Marty here, he's a sap. 842 01:00:31,377 --> 01:00:35,798 [ Imitating Buddy Hackett ] Are you a sap, Marty? 843 01:00:35,798 --> 01:00:38,551 Are you a little chump, Marty? 844 01:00:38,801 --> 01:00:41,387 [ Both Laughing ] 845 01:00:43,139 --> 01:00:45,141 Go talk to her, Marty. 846 01:00:45,642 --> 01:00:48,895 No. No way. She hates me. 847 01:00:49,145 --> 01:00:54,150 She doesn't hate you. She just thinks you're some kind of weirdy or something. 848 01:00:54,150 --> 01:00:56,486 - You know her, don't you, Gus? - Yeah. 849 01:00:56,486 --> 01:00:58,488 Well, you go talk to her for him. 850 01:00:58,488 --> 01:01:02,742 No. No. Don't anybody talk to her. 851 01:01:02,992 --> 01:01:04,577 Don't you worry about it, Marty. 852 01:01:05,078 --> 01:01:06,946 I'll just go have a little talk with her. 853 01:01:06,946 --> 01:01:10,616 Just talk. She'll be begging to come back to you, 854 01:01:11,000 --> 01:01:14,087 once she hears you're on the verge of stardom. 855 01:01:14,087 --> 01:01:17,590 Hey, I'm doing this strictly as a favor to you, Marty. 856 01:01:17,590 --> 01:01:20,460 I mean, what are friends for? 857 01:01:24,514 --> 01:01:29,552 -[ Silverware Clanging ] -[ Men Laughing ] 858 01:01:29,552 --> 01:01:34,724 [ Man ] Wow, was that wacky! 859 01:01:35,058 --> 01:01:37,643 Here comes Lou Moskowitz... 860 01:01:38,144 --> 01:01:43,366 and His Singing Bunion! [ Kids Cheers ] 861 01:01:43,366 --> 01:01:45,651 ♪♪ [ Intro ] Are you hungry, Gus? 862 01:01:45,651 --> 01:01:48,154 Oh, yeah, I'm hungry, all right. 863 01:01:48,154 --> 01:01:50,156 What would you like to eat? 864 01:01:50,656 --> 01:01:52,542 I think what I want isn't exactly on the menu. 865 01:01:57,497 --> 01:02:01,501 - So, how's the world of garbage? - Oh, didn't you hear? 866 01:02:01,501 --> 01:02:03,920 Me and Marty ain't garbagemen no more. 867 01:02:03,920 --> 01:02:05,388 Oh, yeah? Yeah. 868 01:02:05,388 --> 01:02:08,057 We're full-time showbiz people now. 869 01:02:08,057 --> 01:02:09,926 That's great. 870 01:02:14,430 --> 01:02:16,933 How's Marty? Oh, you know Marty. 871 01:02:16,933 --> 01:02:20,436 Still the same old dork. No respect for anybody. 872 01:02:20,436 --> 01:02:22,438 I mean, look how he treated you. 873 01:02:22,438 --> 01:02:24,741 Growing an arm out of his back. 874 01:02:25,241 --> 01:02:28,745 Is that any way to treat a girl? An arm? 875 01:02:28,745 --> 01:02:32,949 Yeah. He's bragging about how glad he is he dumped you. 876 01:02:39,672 --> 01:02:42,175 Oh, yeah? Yeah. 877 01:02:44,177 --> 01:02:46,679 Marty never did know how to treat a lady. 878 01:02:46,679 --> 01:02:49,182 [ Clattering ] 879 01:02:49,182 --> 01:02:53,186 But I do. [ Plates Clattering ] 880 01:02:57,690 --> 01:03:00,193 Gus, customers aren't allowed behind the counter. 881 01:03:00,193 --> 01:03:02,695 Oh, I've always considered myself more than just a customer. 882 01:03:02,695 --> 01:03:05,198 Yeah? Come on. You've always wanted me. 883 01:03:05,698 --> 01:03:09,202 No. Oh. That doesn't particularly matter, 884 01:03:09,702 --> 01:03:11,704 because I've always wanted you. 885 01:03:11,704 --> 01:03:13,706 What are you doing? Don't fight it. 886 01:03:13,706 --> 01:03:17,210 What are you doing? Stop. No. 887 01:03:17,210 --> 01:03:18,211 Stop. No. 888 01:03:18,711 --> 01:03:20,213 Stop. No. 889 01:03:20,213 --> 01:03:21,214 Stop it. No. 890 01:03:21,714 --> 01:03:23,216 Gus, stop. 891 01:03:23,716 --> 01:03:26,719 Stop. Stop. 892 01:03:27,220 --> 01:03:30,723 Stop. Stop. 893 01:03:30,723 --> 01:03:33,726 No. 894 01:03:33,726 --> 01:03:37,230 [ Breathing Heavily ] 895 01:03:40,733 --> 01:03:43,236 [ Moaning ] 896 01:03:52,245 --> 01:03:56,249 [ Moaning, Breathing Heavily ] 897 01:04:01,003 --> 01:04:04,290 [ Rosarita Moaning ] 898 01:04:04,707 --> 01:04:06,676 [ Cat Screeching ] [ Marty ] All of a sudden, 899 01:04:06,676 --> 01:04:10,046 the little old Chinese lady who worked there grabbed it and ate it. 900 01:04:10,046 --> 01:04:13,683 -[ Horse Whinnies ] - Which just goes to prove... 901 01:04:13,683 --> 01:04:19,689 no one can get a cream puff... in this town. 902 01:04:19,689 --> 01:04:22,692 ♪♪ [ "Sailor's Hornpipe" ] 903 01:04:29,198 --> 01:04:32,201 So here's the deal. Two nights a week. That's all I'm asking. 904 01:04:32,702 --> 01:04:34,704 What's a measly two nights a week? 905 01:04:34,704 --> 01:04:40,209 Jackie, I like you, but this act, it stinks. [ Marty Continues, Indistinct ] 906 01:04:40,209 --> 01:04:43,212 It is the dumbest thing that I have ever seen. 907 01:04:43,212 --> 01:04:45,715 And what's with the guy on the accordion? 908 01:04:46,215 --> 01:04:49,218 What the hell does he keep running all around for? 909 01:04:49,719 --> 01:04:52,221 What's the matter? You don't know anything about comedy? 910 01:04:52,221 --> 01:04:55,224 It's called pacing. 911 01:04:55,725 --> 01:05:00,229 Fat slob. That's it! 912 01:05:00,730 --> 01:05:02,231 That is it! 913 01:05:02,732 --> 01:05:05,735 Get the hell off of my stage! 914 01:05:05,735 --> 01:05:07,737 [ Marty Continues, Indistinct ] Right now, get 'em off! 915 01:05:07,737 --> 01:05:09,739 [ Crowd Cheering ] 916 01:05:09,739 --> 01:05:13,242 I've had it with you two. Outta the house. Out! 917 01:05:13,242 --> 01:05:16,245 [ Crowd Whooping, Cheering ] 918 01:05:16,245 --> 01:05:19,749 Get the hell out of here. Get the hell out of here. 919 01:05:19,749 --> 01:05:22,251 Go! Go! Get the hell out of here. 920 01:05:22,251 --> 01:05:24,253 I don't wanna ever see you again! 921 01:05:24,253 --> 01:05:27,256 You stupid-- Get the hell outta here! That's the dumbest act-- 922 01:05:27,757 --> 01:05:29,625 Now, you too! 923 01:05:29,625 --> 01:05:33,429 I've had it with you! Don't you ever come back! 924 01:05:33,429 --> 01:05:36,933 And don't you ever show me another act like that. 925 01:05:36,933 --> 01:05:39,936 I hope you all drop dead! 926 01:05:39,936 --> 01:05:42,939 Oh, go eat your beans. Whoa! 927 01:05:42,939 --> 01:05:46,943 What was that all about? We had that crowd eating out of our hands. 928 01:05:46,943 --> 01:05:49,946 Well, he wanted you guys every night for a year. 929 01:05:49,946 --> 01:05:52,949 I said, "No can do. These guys gotta circulate." 930 01:05:52,949 --> 01:05:55,451 He got mad, calls Marty a slob. 931 01:05:55,952 --> 01:05:59,956 The next thing I know we're in midair. He called me a slob? 932 01:05:59,956 --> 01:06:03,960 Geez, Marty, you're always screwing things up. 933 01:06:04,460 --> 01:06:06,963 [ Scoffs ] Come on. 934 01:06:07,463 --> 01:06:09,966 [ Dog Growling ] 935 01:07:16,866 --> 01:07:19,318 Rosarita. 936 01:07:19,485 --> 01:07:21,454 I love you, Marty Malt. 937 01:07:39,055 --> 01:07:41,307 [ Screaming ] 938 01:07:44,310 --> 01:07:47,179 Rosarita. 939 01:07:47,396 --> 01:07:50,983 [ Screaming ] Rosarita. 940 01:07:52,985 --> 01:07:55,488 [ Horn Honks ] Hey, Marty! 941 01:07:55,988 --> 01:07:57,990 Marty, wake up, will ya? [ Horn Honks ] 942 01:07:57,990 --> 01:08:01,494 - Marty, wake up, man! - Gus. 943 01:08:01,494 --> 01:08:04,997 Wake up, will ya? We gotta get over to Jackie's. Why? 944 01:08:05,498 --> 01:08:10,002 I don't know, but he said it was something big. Something mighty big! 945 01:08:12,004 --> 01:08:16,008 Say, you didn't happen to talk to Rosarita lately, did you? 946 01:08:16,008 --> 01:08:19,512 Oh, yeah, yeah, I went in to talk to her about you. 947 01:08:20,012 --> 01:08:25,017 Man, just forget about that chick. What did she say? 948 01:08:25,017 --> 01:08:28,020 She said she hates guys with three arms. 949 01:08:31,390 --> 01:08:36,312 Well, boys, I think our boat has come in. 950 01:08:36,312 --> 01:08:40,065 What are you talking about? Let me put it to you this way. 951 01:08:40,282 --> 01:08:44,737 You're gonna be on television. 952 01:08:46,539 --> 01:08:51,043 What are you talking about, you little weasel? 953 01:08:51,043 --> 01:08:54,547 Does the name Twinkee Doodle mean anything to you guys? 954 01:08:54,547 --> 01:08:56,916 Twinkee Doodle's Amateur Spotlight? 955 01:08:57,166 --> 01:09:00,753 Desi, the Three-Armed Wonder Comic and His Musical Accompaniment, Gus, 956 01:09:00,753 --> 01:09:05,141 will be filling the number-two spotlight on this Sunday's telecast. 957 01:09:05,341 --> 01:09:07,426 [ Laughs ] 958 01:09:07,927 --> 01:09:09,428 Now don't get too excited. 959 01:09:09,929 --> 01:09:13,933 I mean, it's just a local thing, but it's one hell of a start. 960 01:09:13,933 --> 01:09:15,935 D-Don't you see what this means? 961 01:09:16,268 --> 01:09:19,855 This is it! This is the beginning of everything. 962 01:09:19,855 --> 01:09:21,857 Oh! Oh! 963 01:09:21,857 --> 01:09:25,327 I've been waiting for this all my life! 964 01:09:25,327 --> 01:09:27,830 All my life! [ Laughs ] 965 01:09:28,330 --> 01:09:33,702 Gus. Gus. Gus, Gus. Gus. Gus. 966 01:09:34,036 --> 01:09:36,121 Let's be realistic about this. 967 01:09:36,121 --> 01:09:38,123 I mean, accordion players can come and go, 968 01:09:38,123 --> 01:09:43,512 but the comedy genius of Marty Malt and Desi... 969 01:09:43,846 --> 01:09:46,432 is a one in a million thing. 970 01:09:49,435 --> 01:09:51,937 You're right. 971 01:09:52,354 --> 01:09:54,940 Marty here is our baby boy. 972 01:09:56,942 --> 01:10:00,446 [ Kids Cheering ] 973 01:10:00,446 --> 01:10:05,451 [ Announcer ] Hey there, kids. I know who you've been waiting for. 974 01:10:05,451 --> 01:10:08,954 Me! [ Kids Cheering ] 975 01:10:09,455 --> 01:10:11,957 ♪♪ [ Begins ] 976 01:10:18,464 --> 01:10:21,333 ♪♪ Who's the guy with the talent show ♪♪ 977 01:10:21,333 --> 01:10:23,969 Twinkee! Twinkee! 978 01:10:23,969 --> 01:10:27,339 ♪♪ I'm all ready so come on let's go ♪♪ 979 01:10:27,339 --> 01:10:30,226 Doodle! Doodle! 980 01:10:30,226 --> 01:10:33,145 ♪♪ What can you do Let me see ♪♪ 981 01:10:33,145 --> 01:10:36,148 ♪♪ Play the harp or eat a bee ♪♪ 982 01:10:36,148 --> 01:10:41,153 ♪♪ Pull your tongue down to your toe ♪♪ 983 01:10:41,153 --> 01:10:44,023 ♪♪ Come and do it on the Twinkee Show ♪♪ 984 01:10:44,023 --> 01:10:46,325 [ Cheering ] 985 01:10:46,325 --> 01:10:48,827 Hi, everybody. 986 01:10:49,328 --> 01:10:52,331 Welcome to the Twinkee Doodle Amateur Spotlight. 987 01:10:52,331 --> 01:10:56,785 Boy, have we got a great show for you tonight. 988 01:10:57,286 --> 01:10:59,622 We'll start with Apples Yonahan, 989 01:10:59,622 --> 01:11:05,127 the Man With a Thousand Faces. 990 01:11:05,127 --> 01:11:08,297 ♪♪ [ Intro ] [ Cheering ] 991 01:11:12,101 --> 01:11:14,353 ♪♪ [ Ends ] 992 01:11:17,389 --> 01:11:22,478 ♪♪ [ "Man On The Flying Trapeze" ] 993 01:11:31,487 --> 01:11:33,989 [ Chattering ] 994 01:11:33,989 --> 01:11:35,991 Okay, great, good. Thanks. 995 01:11:37,493 --> 01:11:41,497 You guys are up next. Oh, my God. I can't do it. 996 01:11:41,497 --> 01:11:42,998 Don't freeze up on me now. 997 01:11:43,499 --> 01:11:47,503 You okay, Gus? Never felt better in my life, Mr. "C." 998 01:11:47,503 --> 01:11:50,506 Twinkee, baby. Man, I can't thank you enough. 999 01:11:50,506 --> 01:11:53,008 Yeah, yeah, great. There's something I've been meaning to tell you guys. 1000 01:11:53,509 --> 01:11:55,010 This is TV. It's not the stage. 1001 01:11:55,511 --> 01:12:00,015 So when you're doing your act, just stay in one spot. None of this running around stuff. Okay? 1002 01:12:00,015 --> 01:12:03,018 That's what I've been trying to tell him, Twinkee. You hear that, Gus? Stay in one spot. 1003 01:12:03,018 --> 01:12:05,521 You got it, boss. [ Twinkee ] I gotta run. 1004 01:12:05,521 --> 01:12:07,523 You guys are next. 1005 01:12:11,527 --> 01:12:16,532 That was great! I love it. That was Apples. 1006 01:12:16,532 --> 01:12:19,535 [ Both Laughing ] [ Kids Cheering ] 1007 01:12:19,535 --> 01:12:22,037 Boy, did you see all those faces? 1008 01:12:22,037 --> 01:12:26,041 Whew! But now we have a real treat for you guys. 1009 01:12:26,041 --> 01:12:31,764 Keep in mind, this isn't for the squeamish. 1010 01:12:31,764 --> 01:12:34,266 Give a nice warm Twinkee Doodle welcome... 1011 01:12:34,266 --> 01:12:37,269 to Desi, the Three-Armed Wonder Comic... 1012 01:12:37,269 --> 01:12:40,022 and His Accompanist, Gus. 1013 01:12:40,222 --> 01:12:42,808 [ Kids Cheering ] ♪♪ [ Intro ] 1014 01:12:47,312 --> 01:12:49,198 ♪♪ [ Ends ] 1015 01:12:49,198 --> 01:12:52,034 [ Marty ] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 1016 01:12:52,034 --> 01:12:54,036 I heard this story the other day... 1017 01:12:54,536 --> 01:12:57,539 about the tortoise having a race with a hare. 1018 01:12:57,539 --> 01:12:59,408 And I think that's pretty stupid. 1019 01:12:59,408 --> 01:13:01,710 Everyone knows a tortoise is a cold-blooded reptile... 1020 01:13:01,710 --> 01:13:04,213 that moves about half a mile an hour. 1021 01:13:04,713 --> 01:13:08,717 Of course it will win. A hair is just something you pull from someone's head. 1022 01:13:10,219 --> 01:13:12,721 ♪♪ [ "Sailor's Hornpipe" ] 1023 01:13:23,732 --> 01:13:27,736 ♪♪ [ Ends ] I went into a butcher shop the other day. 1024 01:13:27,736 --> 01:13:30,739 And there were three other people in there and me-- 1025 01:13:30,739 --> 01:13:34,443 a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, 1026 01:13:34,443 --> 01:13:37,329 a Jewish rabbi and me. 1027 01:13:37,329 --> 01:13:40,582 And only one leg of lamb on the rack. 1028 01:13:40,582 --> 01:13:43,535 And all of a sudden, this Buddhist monk came out of the back room, 1029 01:13:44,036 --> 01:13:45,454 disguised as a bush. 1030 01:13:45,954 --> 01:13:47,956 And he grabbed the leg of lamb off the rack... 1031 01:13:47,956 --> 01:13:50,459 and proceeded to beat everyone up with it. 1032 01:13:50,459 --> 01:13:54,596 Then he hit himself in the face with the leg of lamb, knocking himself unconscious. 1033 01:13:54,596 --> 01:14:00,352 And it just goes to prove a leg of lamb is worth two in the bush. 1034 01:14:00,352 --> 01:14:02,304 ♪♪ [ "Sailor's Hornpipe" ] 1035 01:14:06,809 --> 01:14:08,310 Hmm. 1036 01:14:10,612 --> 01:14:13,198 [ Laughing ] 1037 01:14:16,118 --> 01:14:19,488 [ Laughing Louder ] 1038 01:14:25,377 --> 01:14:27,379 [ Gunshot ] [ Screams ] 1039 01:14:28,380 --> 01:14:30,382 [ Laughing ] 1040 01:14:30,382 --> 01:14:32,885 [ Laughing ] 1041 01:14:34,887 --> 01:14:37,890 [ Dog Yells In Agony ] 1042 01:14:37,890 --> 01:14:40,142 I was on a farm recently. 1043 01:14:40,142 --> 01:14:44,480 There was this telephone in the chicken coop. 1044 01:14:44,480 --> 01:14:49,351 And I said to the farmer, "What is a telephone doing in the chicken coop?" 1045 01:14:49,685 --> 01:14:52,771 And the farmer said, "Well, how the heck should I know? 1046 01:14:52,771 --> 01:14:54,690 They're not my chickens." 1047 01:14:54,690 --> 01:14:57,609 ♪♪ [ Accordion ] 1048 01:14:57,609 --> 01:15:00,112 [ Chattering ] 1049 01:15:05,501 --> 01:15:08,337 ♪♪ [ Continues ] 1050 01:15:21,016 --> 01:15:23,936 ♪♪ [ Exit ] 1051 01:15:24,436 --> 01:15:28,106 [ Twinkee Laughing ] 1052 01:15:28,106 --> 01:15:30,108 Weren't they great, kids? 1053 01:15:30,108 --> 01:15:33,979 You guys sure are funny. [ Laughing ] 1054 01:15:39,401 --> 01:15:41,403 Sensational! Sensational! 1055 01:15:41,904 --> 01:15:43,906 Boys, you hear me? It was sensational. 1056 01:15:43,906 --> 01:15:46,792 I couldn't have done it without my Marty here. 1057 01:15:47,075 --> 01:15:49,161 Hey, everybody, look who's coming now. 1058 01:15:49,661 --> 01:15:51,163 It's Denny Ginkle... 1059 01:15:51,663 --> 01:15:55,551 and His Fantastic Gymnastics. 1060 01:15:55,884 --> 01:15:57,719 ♪♪ [ Intro ] [ Cheering ] 1061 01:16:05,928 --> 01:16:08,897 Whoo! 1062 01:16:08,897 --> 01:16:11,400 Wonderful. Wonderful. Excuse me. 1063 01:16:11,400 --> 01:16:14,903 Are you the manager of Desi, the Three-Armed Wonder Comic? 1064 01:16:14,903 --> 01:16:20,409 Yes. Jackie Chrome, talent agent, at your service. 1065 01:16:20,909 --> 01:16:24,913 Dirk Delta. I'm the talent scout forThe Night-light Show, 1066 01:16:24,913 --> 01:16:30,419 starring Sammy Dugan in Hollywood, California. 1067 01:16:30,919 --> 01:16:32,921 The Sammy Dugan? 1068 01:16:32,921 --> 01:16:35,924 You got it, babe. Wow! 1069 01:16:35,924 --> 01:16:39,428 Well, uh, what can I do for you, sir? How about a cigar? 1070 01:16:39,428 --> 01:16:44,433 We're looking for some, uh, unconventional entertainment. 1071 01:16:44,433 --> 01:16:49,938 There's just so much competition in late-night television these days, you know. 1072 01:16:49,938 --> 01:16:52,941 Yeah, I know. I know. You know? 1073 01:16:52,941 --> 01:16:55,944 Does he know? [ Laughs ] 1074 01:16:55,944 --> 01:17:01,450 Well, I just got this feeling about Desi. 1075 01:17:02,451 --> 01:17:06,955 He's gonna be a really big star. 1076 01:17:06,955 --> 01:17:11,960 [ Laughs ] You got a great eye, sir. Desi's a great talent. 1077 01:17:11,960 --> 01:17:13,962 We'd like to book him on next week's show. 1078 01:17:13,962 --> 01:17:18,967 Call my assistant here. He'll call you back, and we'll make the deal. 1079 01:17:21,470 --> 01:17:25,474 Keep in mind that a limo... 1080 01:17:25,891 --> 01:17:27,392 will be waiting for you on Tuesday. 1081 01:17:27,893 --> 01:17:33,398 Do you hear that, Marty? We're going to Hollywood! Whoo! 1082 01:17:33,398 --> 01:17:35,901 [ Maniacal Laughing ] 1083 01:17:35,901 --> 01:17:39,905 Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! 1084 01:17:39,905 --> 01:17:43,909 Babe, perhaps I didn't make myself clear. Uh-huh. 1085 01:17:43,909 --> 01:17:46,912 I want Desi, the Three-Armed Wonder Comic. 1086 01:17:46,912 --> 01:17:49,915 I have very little use for an accordion player. 1087 01:17:49,915 --> 01:17:52,701 - ♪♪ [ Discordant Notes ] - Oh, no! 1088 01:17:52,701 --> 01:17:54,703 Marty, Marty-- Uh, Desi, Desi. 1089 01:17:54,703 --> 01:17:57,205 No way. [ Phone Ringing ] 1090 01:17:57,205 --> 01:18:00,709 - I'm not going anywhere without Gus. - Yeah. 1091 01:18:00,709 --> 01:18:02,711 Would you-- Would you excuse us for just a moment? 1092 01:18:03,211 --> 01:18:06,214 Excuse us. Yeah. 1093 01:18:06,214 --> 01:18:10,719 You guys crazy? Do you realize this is The Sammy Dugan Show? 1094 01:18:10,719 --> 01:18:13,221 I'm not going on without Gus. 1095 01:18:13,722 --> 01:18:16,224 Listen to me. Listen to me. Marty goes. 1096 01:18:16,224 --> 01:18:19,728 Gets a little notoriety, then we work the accordion back in. 1097 01:18:19,728 --> 01:18:23,231 That's the way you do things. No, Jackie! 1098 01:18:23,231 --> 01:18:28,236 I'm not going on without Gus. It's either both of us or none of us. 1099 01:18:28,236 --> 01:18:31,239 Marty, don't do this. 1100 01:18:31,239 --> 01:18:34,743 Fellas, fellas, six of one, half dozen of the other. 1101 01:18:35,243 --> 01:18:37,245 I'll take 'em both. 1102 01:18:37,245 --> 01:18:40,215 I'll see you next Tuesday in Hollywood. 1103 01:18:40,716 --> 01:18:44,219 ♪♪ [ Vocalizing "Sailor's Hornpipe" ] 1104 01:18:48,724 --> 01:18:51,226 People wonder why they need agents. 1105 01:18:51,226 --> 01:18:54,096 [ Laughs ] 1106 01:18:54,346 --> 01:18:57,933 ♪♪ [ Circus ] 1107 01:18:59,434 --> 01:19:01,853 - [ Bones Creak ] - [ All Groan ] 1108 01:19:02,354 --> 01:19:04,072 [ Gus ] This is the best. This is the greatest. 1109 01:19:04,072 --> 01:19:07,526 Don't you see? We're gonna be stars. Famous! 1110 01:19:07,526 --> 01:19:12,030 The Sammy Dugan Show. I've been watching that show ever since I was a kid. 1111 01:19:12,030 --> 01:19:14,533 Boys, I am so proud of you. 1112 01:19:14,533 --> 01:19:18,036 I mean, I knew the first time I laid eyes on you that you were going places. 1113 01:19:18,036 --> 01:19:21,540 And I said to myself, "You'd better get a piece of that action." 1114 01:19:35,687 --> 01:19:37,189 [ Sobbing ] 1115 01:19:49,951 --> 01:19:53,789 [ Sobbing Continues ] 1116 01:20:00,996 --> 01:20:03,415 [ Gus ] You know, Marty, I've been thinking. 1117 01:20:03,415 --> 01:20:05,417 Jackie's fine for this local junk, 1118 01:20:05,917 --> 01:20:09,421 but out there in Hollywood, they got all them big-time agents. 1119 01:20:09,421 --> 01:20:12,924 Once they see us onThe Sammy Dugan Show, 1120 01:20:12,924 --> 01:20:15,427 they're gonna be knocking our door down. 1121 01:20:15,927 --> 01:20:19,931 We got a contract with Jackie. Contract, "schmontract." 1122 01:20:20,432 --> 01:20:23,435 What do you think, he's gonna fly all the way out to L.A. to sue us? 1123 01:20:23,435 --> 01:20:25,437 Maybe. 1124 01:20:25,437 --> 01:20:28,940 After Tuesday, we never have to think about Jackie Chrome again. 1125 01:20:28,940 --> 01:20:32,444 Marty, opportunity only knocks once. 1126 01:20:32,444 --> 01:20:34,946 How come you never wanna succeed? 1127 01:20:44,923 --> 01:20:46,424 I don't know. 1128 01:20:48,426 --> 01:20:52,430 You're right. You're right. 1129 01:20:52,430 --> 01:20:54,933 You're always right, Gus. 1130 01:20:55,433 --> 01:21:00,438 We're going to Hollywood, and we're going to be big stars. 1131 01:21:00,438 --> 01:21:03,942 That's my boy. That's my boy! 1132 01:21:04,442 --> 01:21:05,944 Hollywood. 1133 01:21:32,170 --> 01:21:37,175 [ Mumbling ] 1134 01:21:39,494 --> 01:21:42,430 [ Birds Chirping ] 1135 01:21:47,269 --> 01:21:50,272 ♪♪ [ Playing ] 1136 01:21:50,272 --> 01:21:53,775 [ Gasps, Makes Kissing Sounds ] 1137 01:22:04,286 --> 01:22:07,789 [ Yells, Laughs ] 1138 01:22:21,186 --> 01:22:23,471 [ Birds Chirping ] 1139 01:22:27,192 --> 01:22:29,527 ♪♪ [ Accordion ] 1140 01:22:52,384 --> 01:22:55,387 [ Screams ] 1141 01:22:56,755 --> 01:22:59,674 Quit screaming, will you, Gus? 1142 01:22:59,674 --> 01:23:03,645 Where is it, Marty? Where is it? 1143 01:23:04,145 --> 01:23:06,931 Where's what? Your arm! 1144 01:23:07,932 --> 01:23:11,436 [ Sobbing ] Oh! Oh! 1145 01:23:11,436 --> 01:23:14,439 Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, Jesus, Marty! 1146 01:23:14,939 --> 01:23:17,442 Oh, no, you gone and done it now. 1147 01:23:17,442 --> 01:23:20,945 I can't believe it. Where is it? It's gotta be here somewhere. 1148 01:23:22,447 --> 01:23:24,449 How could you do this to me? 1149 01:23:24,449 --> 01:23:27,952 Well, don't-- don't blame me! It's not my fault. 1150 01:23:27,952 --> 01:23:30,455 Oh, well, whose fault is it? 1151 01:23:30,455 --> 01:23:33,458 Mine? Huh? 1152 01:23:33,458 --> 01:23:36,461 Well-- You've-- You've gone... 1153 01:23:36,961 --> 01:23:41,466 and just ruined everything. 1154 01:23:41,466 --> 01:23:44,969 We were so close, and you-- 1155 01:23:44,969 --> 01:23:47,472 Maybe we-- You wrecked it! 1156 01:23:48,973 --> 01:23:51,976 Well, I-I never wanted a third arm in the first place. 1157 01:23:52,477 --> 01:23:54,979 [ Yells ] Bite your tongue! 1158 01:23:57,482 --> 01:23:58,983 [ Marty Groans ] Wait a minute. 1159 01:24:01,369 --> 01:24:05,240 Wait a minute. I got an idea. 1160 01:24:19,054 --> 01:24:22,557 I don't think it's gonna work. Just shut up and trust me. 1161 01:24:24,559 --> 01:24:27,011 ♪♪ [ Humming "Sailor's Hornpipe" ] 1162 01:24:31,516 --> 01:24:33,518 There they are. 1163 01:24:33,518 --> 01:24:36,404 My two stars. Come on in. 1164 01:24:36,771 --> 01:24:40,275 - Morning, Jackie. - Hey. Hey. 1165 01:24:40,275 --> 01:24:42,777 Well, I got the phone number right here. 1166 01:24:42,777 --> 01:24:44,662 Shall we make the call now? 1167 01:24:44,662 --> 01:24:47,332 Or should we wait a minute? Why don't we make the call? 1168 01:24:47,332 --> 01:24:49,617 [ Chuckles ] A little nervous, are we? 1169 01:24:50,618 --> 01:24:53,004 Well, I'm a little nervous too, fellas. 1170 01:24:53,004 --> 01:24:57,292 Nervous? Why should we be nervous? Do we look nervous? 1171 01:24:57,292 --> 01:25:00,795 Are you nervous, Marty? I'm not nervous. No, I'm not nervous. 1172 01:25:01,096 --> 01:25:03,681 See? He's not nervous. Look, it happens to everybody. 1173 01:25:03,681 --> 01:25:05,550 I mean, you know, it's nothing to be ashamed of. 1174 01:25:05,550 --> 01:25:10,472 You're right. Jackie, you're right, as always. 1175 01:25:10,805 --> 01:25:13,808 We're nervous, all right. At least I know I'm nervous. 1176 01:25:13,808 --> 01:25:16,311 Are you nervous, Marty? Yes, I'm nervous. 1177 01:25:16,311 --> 01:25:20,064 You see? We're nervous. 1178 01:25:20,281 --> 01:25:22,484 Let's get this show on the road. What's going on? 1179 01:25:22,784 --> 01:25:24,869 Going on? 1180 01:25:25,370 --> 01:25:27,372 We're going to Hollywood, that's what's going on. 1181 01:25:27,872 --> 01:25:29,374 Now make the call. 1182 01:25:29,824 --> 01:25:31,242 You guys are acting funny. 1183 01:25:31,659 --> 01:25:34,662 Well, um, Marty here's a comedian. 1184 01:25:34,662 --> 01:25:37,165 We're supposed to be funny. 1185 01:25:37,665 --> 01:25:40,668 All right, fellas, it's just my nerves speaking. 1186 01:25:40,668 --> 01:25:43,671 I mean, it's the biggest day of my life, but I'm calm. 1187 01:25:44,172 --> 01:25:47,926 [ Inhales, Exhales, Inhales ] 1188 01:25:48,176 --> 01:25:51,262 We understand. Don't we, Marty? Yes. 1189 01:25:51,262 --> 01:25:54,265 I think it would be best if you made that call. 1190 01:25:54,265 --> 01:25:57,685 Okay. Okay. All right. 1191 01:26:03,691 --> 01:26:07,912 [ Dial Tone ] [ Dialing ] 1192 01:26:11,699 --> 01:26:14,202 Look, call me crazy, 1193 01:26:14,202 --> 01:26:17,956 call me a sentimental old fool, but before I make this call, 1194 01:26:18,173 --> 01:26:20,258 you gotta do me one favor. 1195 01:26:20,258 --> 01:26:25,763 In order to get in the mood, I-I gotta see Marty do a spin just once more. 1196 01:26:27,682 --> 01:26:31,686 ♪♪ [ One Note ] [ Laughs ] 1197 01:26:31,686 --> 01:26:34,689 No, nah, come on. Just make the call, will ya? 1198 01:26:34,689 --> 01:26:39,978 Aw, come on, Just one spin. I mean, look at my hands, they're shaking. 1199 01:26:39,978 --> 01:26:42,981 Without a stage, it's just going through the motions. 1200 01:26:42,981 --> 01:26:45,149 That's all right. 1201 01:26:46,651 --> 01:26:49,153 Well, I need music. 1202 01:26:49,153 --> 01:26:51,956 Well, you got Gus's accordion right there. 1203 01:26:52,457 --> 01:26:57,962 Marty slammed my hand in the door on the way over here. Oh, God. 1204 01:26:57,962 --> 01:27:03,334 Come on, just one quick spin. I mean, we can't keep Dirk Delta waiting. Please. 1205 01:27:08,590 --> 01:27:10,592 [ Indistinct Whispering ] 1206 01:27:15,597 --> 01:27:18,099 ♪♪ [ Dissonant Chord ] 1207 01:27:18,099 --> 01:27:21,102 [ Laughs ] Get out of the way, Gus. 1208 01:27:21,603 --> 01:27:24,105 One more time, Marty, for me. Come on, one more. 1209 01:27:24,105 --> 01:27:27,108 A real one. Inspire me. 1210 01:27:33,615 --> 01:27:35,617 Okay. Yeah. 1211 01:27:35,617 --> 01:27:38,119 A real spin. A real spin. 1212 01:27:43,041 --> 01:27:45,426 ♪♪ [ "Sailor's Hornpipe" ] 1213 01:27:45,593 --> 01:27:47,178 Again. Again. 1214 01:27:47,679 --> 01:27:49,180 ♪♪ [ Continues ] 1215 01:27:49,681 --> 01:27:51,349 - Again. Again. -♪♪ [ Continues ] 1216 01:27:51,849 --> 01:27:54,769 One more time for the Gipper. Come on. 1217 01:27:54,769 --> 01:27:56,771 -♪♪ [ Continues ] - [ Glass Breaks ] 1218 01:28:12,487 --> 01:28:14,489 Turn around, Marty. 1219 01:28:18,409 --> 01:28:20,912 [ Laughing ] 1220 01:28:27,919 --> 01:28:29,420 Turn around, Marty. 1221 01:28:35,476 --> 01:28:40,481 Turn around, Marty. 1222 01:28:45,987 --> 01:28:47,488 Turn around, Marty. 1223 01:28:49,490 --> 01:28:52,994 It's gone. It's gone. 1224 01:28:52,994 --> 01:28:54,996 It's gone. 1225 01:28:57,999 --> 01:29:01,002 Where is it? 1226 01:29:01,002 --> 01:29:06,507 Where is it, you stupid little maggot? Where is it? 1227 01:29:06,507 --> 01:29:08,509 Say, leave him alone, you bum. 1228 01:29:08,509 --> 01:29:10,511 Nobody pushes my Marty around. 1229 01:29:11,012 --> 01:29:13,014 It's-- It's not my fault. 1230 01:29:15,516 --> 01:29:17,518 But where is it? 1231 01:29:17,518 --> 01:29:20,021 Well, who the hell knows where it is? 1232 01:29:20,521 --> 01:29:23,024 It just must have sunk back into him. 1233 01:29:23,024 --> 01:29:26,527 I'm sorry, Jackie. I didn't mean to. 1234 01:29:52,587 --> 01:29:54,389 I'm ruined. 1235 01:29:57,592 --> 01:29:59,594 It's all over. 1236 01:30:00,595 --> 01:30:02,597 I'm ruined. 1237 01:30:02,597 --> 01:30:05,566 What are you talking about, you're ruined? 1238 01:30:05,566 --> 01:30:07,518 Hey, that's not the Jackie I know. 1239 01:30:08,019 --> 01:30:09,821 What, you're not even gonna call him? 1240 01:30:09,821 --> 01:30:11,823 Big deal. So he doesn't have three arms. 1241 01:30:11,823 --> 01:30:15,326 He's still gonna tell the same jokes. I'm still gonna play the same notes. 1242 01:30:15,326 --> 01:30:18,329 They'll never buy it. Sure they will. 1243 01:30:18,329 --> 01:30:22,333 I mean, what, are you gonna give up without even calling him? 1244 01:30:22,333 --> 01:30:25,336 - What am I gonna tell him? - Don't tell him anything. 1245 01:30:25,336 --> 01:30:28,339 We'll stuff the bat back in. Who's gonna know? 1246 01:30:28,339 --> 01:30:32,677 Everybody knows the old "fake arm out of the back" trick. 1247 01:30:32,677 --> 01:30:37,381 Maybe you should... tell him the truth. 1248 01:30:40,685 --> 01:30:43,554 You should call before it gets too late. 1249 01:30:50,728 --> 01:30:54,532 [ Dialing ] 1250 01:31:06,244 --> 01:31:08,246 [ Sniffles ] 1251 01:31:10,081 --> 01:31:13,885 Yeah, Dirk Delta's secretary, please. Jackie Chrome calling. 1252 01:31:15,386 --> 01:31:16,838 Hi. This is Jackie Chrome. 1253 01:31:18,756 --> 01:31:21,259 Yes, yeah, mm-hmm. [ Clattering ] 1254 01:31:21,259 --> 01:31:25,012 Tuesday. Tuesday morning. Okay. 1255 01:31:27,515 --> 01:31:30,735 Flight 56. Okay. Yeah. 1256 01:31:30,735 --> 01:31:34,689 No, that's great. Yeah. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. 1257 01:31:35,072 --> 01:31:38,993 Yeah, uh, by the way, 1258 01:31:40,995 --> 01:31:43,948 Desi, the Three-Armed Wonder Comic, 1259 01:31:44,448 --> 01:31:46,284 yeah, 1260 01:31:46,784 --> 01:31:48,286 he's only got two arms. 1261 01:31:51,005 --> 01:31:53,758 He only has two arms. 1262 01:31:56,711 --> 01:31:59,213 Yeah. I'm on hold. 1263 01:32:02,517 --> 01:32:05,520 Oh, Dirk. How are you? 1264 01:32:05,520 --> 01:32:08,022 Mr. Delta, how are you? 1265 01:32:09,390 --> 01:32:11,559 That's right. J-Just two. 1266 01:32:13,778 --> 01:32:16,480 No, no, the one out of his back. 1267 01:32:18,199 --> 01:32:21,152 Okay, yeah. I'm on hold again. 1268 01:32:21,152 --> 01:32:23,154 - Wh-Wh-What? - Shh. 1269 01:32:23,154 --> 01:32:25,156 Right here. Right here. 1270 01:32:25,156 --> 01:32:27,158 Uh-huh. 1271 01:32:29,160 --> 01:32:30,962 Oh, great. 1272 01:32:34,999 --> 01:32:37,001 Wonderful. Wonderful. Absolutely. 1273 01:32:37,001 --> 01:32:42,807 Geez, thanks a million. Okay, see you Tuesday. Bye-bye. 1274 01:32:43,808 --> 01:32:46,811 - [ Exhales ] - What's the beef, chief? 1275 01:32:47,311 --> 01:32:50,815 It's not as bad as we thought, boys. Honesty pays. 1276 01:32:50,815 --> 01:32:53,768 Honesty pays. That's what I've always believed. 1277 01:32:55,770 --> 01:32:58,272 You heard me tell him straight out that Marty here's only got two arms, 1278 01:32:58,272 --> 01:33:00,274 and he said they've gotta fill the slot... 1279 01:33:00,775 --> 01:33:02,276 and all the arrangements had been made. 1280 01:33:02,777 --> 01:33:07,031 Uh, I mean, he was honest, you know. He said, "Comics with two arms are a dime a dozen." 1281 01:33:07,281 --> 01:33:11,168 He said, "But Dirk Delta is a man of his word." 1282 01:33:11,669 --> 01:33:16,090 I was really impressed. So here's the deal. 1283 01:33:16,591 --> 01:33:20,094 He said, "Send out the accordion player." 1284 01:33:23,014 --> 01:33:28,302 [ Laughs ] You're going to Hollywood, Gus, me boy. 1285 01:33:28,302 --> 01:33:30,054 You're going to Hollywood! 1286 01:33:39,647 --> 01:33:42,650 Hollywood? 1287 01:33:42,650 --> 01:33:46,153 H-H-Hollywood? 1288 01:33:48,155 --> 01:33:50,625 Do you hear that, Marty? 1289 01:33:50,625 --> 01:33:52,627 I'm going to Hollywood! 1290 01:33:52,627 --> 01:33:54,629 [ Laughing, Sobbing ] 1291 01:34:00,251 --> 01:34:03,220 [ Gus ] Bless you, sir, bless you. 1292 01:34:03,220 --> 01:34:06,090 Oh! [ Sobbing ] 1293 01:34:14,348 --> 01:34:16,350 [ Giggling ] 1294 01:34:17,852 --> 01:34:20,354 In you go, little lady. Bye, Marty. 1295 01:34:27,745 --> 01:34:31,248 Jackie. Oh, hi, Marty. 1296 01:34:31,248 --> 01:34:33,250 I'll be seeing you, buddy, huh? 1297 01:34:33,250 --> 01:34:35,202 You're going too? 1298 01:34:35,202 --> 01:34:37,705 Oh, yeah. I'm gonna open up this big agency in Hollywood. 1299 01:34:38,205 --> 01:34:42,209 No more of this piddly stuff for Jackie Chrome. 1300 01:34:42,209 --> 01:34:45,096 But what about me? 1301 01:34:45,596 --> 01:34:47,598 Ooh, uh, 1302 01:34:47,598 --> 01:34:53,354 Desi, the Two-Armed Wonder Comic has a great snap to it. 1303 01:34:53,354 --> 01:34:55,723 See ya. 1304 01:35:00,478 --> 01:35:02,563 See ya, Mart. 1305 01:36:39,326 --> 01:36:41,128 Can I help you? 1306 01:36:45,049 --> 01:36:47,051 Where's Rosarita? 1307 01:36:47,051 --> 01:36:50,171 She doesn't work here anymore. You gonna order? 1308 01:36:55,142 --> 01:36:57,478 Mashed potatoes, please. 1309 01:37:02,066 --> 01:37:07,071 Ladies and gentlemen, Syd's nightclub is proud to welcome back... 1310 01:37:07,071 --> 01:37:11,075 the comedy styling of Mr. Marty Malt. 1311 01:37:35,883 --> 01:37:38,769 Up until a few days ago, 1312 01:37:41,021 --> 01:37:44,108 I had a third arm growing out of the middle of my back. 1313 01:37:44,108 --> 01:37:47,862 [ Chuckles ] No. 1314 01:37:47,862 --> 01:37:50,614 It's true. 1315 01:37:50,614 --> 01:37:53,984 Three arms. 1316 01:37:53,984 --> 01:37:56,620 It was very frightening. [ Audience Chuckling ] 1317 01:37:56,620 --> 01:38:00,491 It started out as a lump. 1318 01:38:00,491 --> 01:38:04,662 And then it grew into a... baby hand. 1319 01:38:06,130 --> 01:38:11,552 Anyway, it eventually grew into a... 1320 01:38:12,052 --> 01:38:16,056 - full-sized arm. - [ Audience Laughing ] 1321 01:38:16,056 --> 01:38:19,476 And my best friend, Gus, 1322 01:38:19,476 --> 01:38:21,729 said I was a weirdy. 1323 01:38:34,858 --> 01:38:40,281 Having a third arm taught me quite a bit about my friends though. 1324 01:38:42,166 --> 01:38:45,169 My girlfriend dumped me. 1325 01:38:45,619 --> 01:38:49,173 Gave me the boot. 1326 01:38:49,173 --> 01:38:53,761 I guess she didn't like me always having the upper hand. 1327 01:38:53,761 --> 01:38:58,299 [ Audience Laughs ] 1328 01:39:00,301 --> 01:39:02,603 Now that it's gone though, 1329 01:39:02,970 --> 01:39:05,022 I kinda miss it. 1330 01:39:07,224 --> 01:39:11,645 I mean, I was making a lot of money as the turnstile at Kiddieland. 1331 01:39:17,618 --> 01:39:22,373 It's very embarrassing having three arms though. 1332 01:39:22,373 --> 01:39:26,660 Every time I would go to a restaurant, when I would stand up, 1333 01:39:26,660 --> 01:39:28,996 people would think I was the coatrack. 1334 01:39:28,996 --> 01:39:33,500 [ Audience Laughing ] 1335 01:39:33,500 --> 01:39:37,004 At one point I was so depressed, 1336 01:39:37,004 --> 01:39:39,890 I thought I would join the military. 1337 01:39:39,890 --> 01:39:43,761 But I failed the physical. 1338 01:39:43,761 --> 01:39:45,763 Can you imagine? 1339 01:39:45,763 --> 01:39:49,733 Me, not being allowed to join the army. 1340 01:39:49,733 --> 01:39:52,736 [ Audience Laughing ]